This is for you,
you helped me get where I am.
I never told you that when I started,
I was trying to get myself out of something else
I found comfort in this,
And it has become part of me,
I will get it.
No excuses.

They will see it. My fire. My spirit.

And it will be like nothing they've ever seen.

This is for you.

I am a window.
Dammit.

8 am classes fucking suck. That is all.

Ughhhhh so tired...

It's time to stop trusting my doubts and start trusting myself.
I was never one to be afraid to get down and dirty.
I've always been able to hold my own.
I know what it is that I have to face, and I am ready to face it.
I'm done being afraid, I'm ready to go.
I will command respect.

It's time to rock it.

Game on.

More Random things I want to say to People.

Don't ask who I won't say.

I find you intriguing. I genuinely want to know more. The more I learn the more curious I get. I feel like it's this hunger that I can't quench. Maybe I'm being a fool, but I don't care it's been a long time since I've been intrigued like this.

I miss you. I wish we could be friends. Why did you disappear...? Why do you always disappear, and I just keep on trying? I just have this hope that we can be good friends.

If you ever did it, I would say yes. Actions not words. People lie.

I do think it's sad that we're not friends anymore, but I forgive you. Being friends again however is a different story.

I'm glad we started talking again, but it's weird since we used to be so close and now we have our own lives.

You're so adorable.

You're so weird, I LOVE it. Your quirks make you awesome. I want you.

I miss the way things used to be. Maybe it's not truth now, but it will become truth in time if it continues this way. I don't appreciate it.

I miss the way things used to be. A lot.

Are you lying? Or are you telling the truth. I wonder.

Thank you for making me who I am.

You have had an amazing impact on my life. I hope you know this. I'm glad to have met you.

I hope you are who I think you are. I genuinely do. But I'm afraid of it too.

I feel like it begins and ends in the same place. I wonder what surprises are in store. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

One.

For almost everything in our lives this is true: We are always looking for one. By one I don't mean "the one" but that is part of it I suppose. But when you think about it it's true. You want to find one person to spend your life with, the right person. The right job, that career that's just meant to you. We have one bed (or at least we generally do), one family that you create, one home. And by home I mean where your heart is not where you're living. Or at least this is something you genuinely believe. Ahaha, in my world, you have one kendo dojo, one first physical affection anything. One first love, one true love, one soulmate, which may or not be one in the same. There are just so many things in our lives that we want, have and are looking for one, the right one.

These past few days I spent in Lodi/Sacramento. I drove a lot by myself and it gave me a lot of time to think to myself. I have for as long as I can remember grown up and lived in a major metropolitan city. Los Angeles, San Francisco Bay area. Texas doesn't count I was two when I left. Lodi is a small town, it doesn't even have a mall, it doesn't have bordering cities the way I'm used to them. I spent time in Santa Cruz too but I think that was a bit different since it was a summer program :p. Anyway, it's a different feeling, it's almost more homey but at the same time it's empty. It's a warm kind of feeling you get, not cold like LA can be. But when it's where you grow up you get used to it, you learn to walk the walk, to talk the talk. It was also then that I realized that in life you end up where you want to be ultimately, and where home is isn't the city that's there, but where your heart is. I think I could spend the rest of my life in a small town if everyone I cared and loved was there. Where you are doesn't matter, it's what you love that does.

I also thought about myself. I'm really weird, not always politically correct, not the most tactful person, not always appropriate, loud,impulsive,can be very airy and slow,can worry too much among so many other things,but fuck I love myself.
Because despite all of my flaws, despite how much public humiliation I will bring you, how many times you will bow your head in shame and pretend not to know me, if I consider you a good friend, I will do everything in my power to be the best friend that I can to you.

I don't say that lightly, and anyone who knows me well can attest to this.

It's who I am, it's how I operate, and I enjoy being me. I remember what it was like to feel like to lose everything, and have to build it back up. I remember what it was like to be so insecure that I woke up doubting myself. That was a miserable feeling.

I know that I will never return to that feeling. I know that life can never be that bad anymore.

We are who we are.

Respect is one thing.

Public opinion is another.

I've learned that once you stop giving a shit about the latter, you gain more of the former. Those who can't respect that aren't worth the thought. Those who care too much about the latter aren't either.

And those who can see past it all, are worth everything in this world and the next.

Lodi, Sacramento, and my first rental car!

So I'm typing away from Lauren's family's computer. As some of you know I'm visiting her for her birthday! I planned to try and visit sometime here anyway so I figured you know, HEY! why not during her birthday and go to a Tuesday practice :). So that's what I did. It took me more than 3 hours to get here....considering it was my first time driving myself up the highways here, well..unless you count Fresno which I suppose you could. It was my first time. It was also my first time alone driving so far! I only got lost once too!!! :D. But jesus traffic SUCKS.

Anyway once I got here dropped off my stuff, got settled a bit, I went to dinner and had cake with Lauren's family. It was nice :). I really enjoy her family. They're super nice and fun! Aww :). I also caught up a bit with Lauren and heard lots of stories about stuff :p. And a wonderful tour of Lodi! Hahahaha her parents really are hilarious! Anyway, this place is totally the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!

I forgot some things though :(. So I have to go and pick them up tomorrow :(. I'm looking forward to playing tomorrow :).


Happy birthday Lauren!!!

A piece of Me

When I began this blog, it was not my intention for it to become a jumbled mass of words. Where as for art content that may not be such a bad thing, for those who are reading this I feel it does not do them justice.

I also feel that reading and writing blogs it's too easy to paint a picture of a person that may or may not be accurate. As people we have a tendency to pick out qualities that we desire to see and create a portrait of that person. In this we begin to create a false image of the person we see and who they are as people. This does not do the person justice. But it's inevitable. It is human nature to judge, and to make assumptions based off what we know. To say otherwise I believe is self righteous, because on the most basic level it's what we humans do to survive. I could go on a long drawn out rant about this but I'll spare you.

As of late I've been feeling that my entries have just been a jumbled mass of incoherent words. I've been writing too much, god knows what and too little of what I genuinely think.

It is too easy as a person to try and hide what it is that you feel through a mask of artistic words. I don't think it's so simple to just throw up your feelings in a clear way. And so I feel as though what I have been writing is not representative of myself. While I don't think it's appropriate to spill my secrets for the whole world to see, I also don't believe it's true to myself to try to make everything a secret.

A friend once said, "I try to be as open with my writing as possible, in order to not care about what people think of me, I really have to just put myself out there."

I believe this is true.

There you go... a blog about blogging.

If I could I would.
And I would if
I could RIGHT NOW.
You have NO idea.

Piano

I play the piano.
I do not play for the audience.
I do not play for the praise.
I play for myself.

To some the notes are harsh and heavy.
To some it is too soft, too light.
For some it is the perfect sound.

The critics will rant.
The audience may clap.
It is no concern of mine.

I play these notes.
My fingers blend with the keys.
My emotions, my soul, my existence becomes the melody.

This song is mine and mine alone.

Enjoy :).

And I will.

It will be glorious!

The truth always becomes evident in time. It's funny how things that seem plausible are in reality not, and things that don't seem plausible at all become plausible.

It's nothing, and it's something.
I want it to be more than just rose colored glasses.

Please, just let me survive this.

That is all I ask.

How much can the soul be tempered?

there is so much she'd say
but she knows the words die on her lips
because the soft mass of emotions inside her
is trying to run away,
and her eyes don't have the courage
is it fear or is it shyness?
she doesn't know.

she knows that doing nothing won't get her anywhere
but her heart refuses to follow the rules of her mind
when she tries, she stumbles on her words
and her mind goes blank
is it stupidity?
and she contemplates all the things
that she knows she will never do.

she tries to pretend
that its not what they think it is
but she knows they know just as well as she
and she tries to pretend that she doesn't care
even though she knows that they know she does
but as long as she doesn't say they will never know
or so she tells herself

and all it takes is a smile to make her day
and a few words to make her glow
but she wonders, and she tells herself
that its nothing more than a one way ticket to dreamland
and the excuses flood in, to lessen the blow
that she's afraid of receiving

because she's convinced it's not gonna leave dreamland
and she's afraid of receiving that blow,
and so she wonders,
why all it takes is a few words to make her glow
and why she's still smiling
why she still stumbles on her words
why her heart won't follow the rules her mind has set out
why she's still making excuses,

if she's so afraid of receiving that blow,
that will knock her out of dreamland.

I don't understand I don't think I ever will.
Gar it's so frustrating.
It's okay, just gotta go with it.