Let me crawl into a hole and die NOW. At least then I'd get some mother fucking sleep.

It's been about 3 days since I had a real dinner. Wait, I kind of had one tonight.

The last night. For this week. Unfortunately that makes it four days..out of seven. This seems to be the reoccurring theme of my summer. Sleep deprivation. There is no enthusiasm in this post. Why? Because the only thing keeping me awake right now is the fact that I am sitting at the kitchen table, doing homework. And I have been since about 9pm.

Sleep tonight? Probably not. But I took a nice 3.5 hour nap well more like 3, and I got a good..maybe little more than 6 hours last night.

In a few weeks this will all be over, but all the same, I need to really just learn to SUCK IT UP. I can stand a couple more weeks of sleep deprivation. I have all the time in the world to sleep after that. So I have to just suck it up now so I can do well on my midterms. Then sleep and catch up on work. I did it before 3 years ago, I can do it again now. It's funny because then I would also sit at the kitchen table at night doing homework. I thought that not doing kendo would give me more time to sleep. It totally didn't. In fact I'm even more sleep deprived. I just study and work more...

I'm so glad my interview on Friday is at 2:30pm. It gives me A LOT more time to sleep. Things are looking up for that, so I hope all goes well. But if that works out, I've got a few other things to worry about like:

1) Where do I live? I'm thinking maybe Berkeley still, but then so expensive and I can find nicer cheaper places in other places..
2) How the hell am I going to drop the bomb on my parents who believe that I'm going to come home take a break and work? Ahaha...I'm afraid of this.
3) All that other good stuff that comes with becoming a productive member of society, which may not really be so awesome.


But none of that is going to happen if I don't continue studying.

So to my brain I say, Go little one go! I know there's not much there but you can do it! I'll eat lots of blueberries over the weekend to make you happy. You just have to suck it up now! Blueberry buffet yey!!!

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME I DIDN'T HAVE TO TRY TO GET FORTY HOURS OF WORK DONE?!?!?!?!?!?!
FUCKING A.


I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO STRESSED OUT.

aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.

I need sleep. I ALWAYS need sleep...I won't be GETTING sleep til Thursday night.

As of today, it's over.

Walk out of it, because you're never walking back into it.

And it feels so fucking good.

"But I want you to know, if you weren't such a bitch, we'd feel sorry for you. I do feel sorry for you. But as it stands, the way you behave - I feel I can speak for the entire office when I tell you...go fuck yourself. " -Wanted

Why is it so expensive to exist and be human?

Argh I need monies! Argh..... I need to fill out my time sheet >.<.

Wow, I've been doing it wrong my whole life. That's funny, I guess now at least I know what I've been doing wrong. But knowing that I see it completely differently. I think life just became a little bit easier.

I think that this time I'm ready. I'm gonna do it right this time around.

It totally makes sense now..ahaha wow! NO WONDER. wowowowowowowoww.

Okay I don't like to generally be overly open about my personal beliefs, but for the sake for whoever reads my journal. Here are some nice facts about me. Actually they're more like rants, really whiny ones so beware.

Most of the time when I am writing about something or someone I use a friggen metaphor, so what you think it's about it's probably not about that.

I do not believe in dojo-cest. If you are in my dojo, you are like my FAMILY. Maybe at one time I did, but I really do not believe in it anymore. You live, you learn. This is what I've learned. I'm so tired of people suggesting I date my dojomates, or my dojomates thinking I like them. Wait let me make this even clearer, if you own a zekken says Berkeley/Oakland on the top, then I do NOT have romantic feelings for you. Do NOT. And if I did they do not exist at all anymore. If you want me to listen to your girl problems, or try to set you up on a date, I'll GLADLY try. This is something that is REALLY frustrating me.

To my friends, if I seem really MIA I'm sorry I'm just insanely busy :(. I really miss you guys and want to see you, there's just so much going on in my life. I promise once it calms down I'll spend more time with you guys. I'm doing my best.


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Finally deciding to take a break I think is keeping me sane. Although I'll miss it, I know that it's okay. I need this time to get my shit together and get things done. I also need it to recuperate from everything. I'm way more stressed out than I need to be.

Gar I don't remember the last time I got more than 4 hrs.

Man I need sleep.

It's time to take a hiatus from the things that I spend the most time with.

You gotta do what you gotta do... or at least cut out some and cut down others.

This series made me into a fucking gamer. No lie.

Sometimes I really hate the way my emotions cloud my sphere of judgement. You know you shouldn't take anything to heart but sometimes it's really hard not to.

One) I have to work harder, what was given to me can be used. I just have to make the tools for it.

Two) It's much harder to run away when you know what you have to lose. I find myself having to come to terms with what I used to not really have to before. I also find myself willing to push my own boundaries to achieve these goals. I really want it, yet I feel like it's so difficult.

I find myself understanding the perspective I never did before. I am closer to what I want and yet I feel so far away.

I genuinely hope for once that it goes my way.

The apple never falls far from the tree.

So, I've realized that I've grown as a person :D. It makes me happy to realize this. It means I'm one step closer to finding that one thing that I've been wanting so much. Yey!

Anyway, it's going to be a fun friend social weekend! Yey I'm SUPEEEERRRRR EXCITED.

I want it more than anything else. But I can only have it if you do too.

There's something to be said about killing things in video games that makes people happy. It's been a while since I blew something up.

Sometimes you just need a second outlet.

Sometimes video games do just the thing.

Damn it feels good.

This is not about me and you, this is about me. This is about me, my progression, and my desire for it. If I'm always looking out at who's coming after me when will I ever give myself time to fight.

Three years ago.

3 years ago.

Perhaps it's time for me to let it go. We don't talk anymore, I don't think you could even call us friends. I thought that we had a strong friendship, but I was proven entirely wrong.

I remember very clearly, the one day and the one line you told me. The one mocking line. The one line that still to this day will be the one thing I remember about you. You didn't believe that I would stick with it, you didn't think that it was something I really loved and cared about.

I knew better then.

Three years later. I have done more than you ever did in twice that time.

---------------------------

I'm on a mission. I don't know how I'm going to get this done, but I will.

Love Love

So I gave in. I gave into my temptations and let myself have a taste of a very sexy sexy thing. A PS3. There was a MGS4 bundle that was 40 dollars more than buying the 40 gig bundle with a game. Hell yes, I'm going to get the bundle. for 40 more dollars, I get backward compatibility, 40 more gigs of space, and a few more nifty features, so hell fucking yes, I am going to dish out that extra forty dollars, for all the extras I get with it.

Let me tell you that the graphics are amazing. I love it. It wins.

Whoever said you can't buy happiness with money is a crock of shit. Just kidding. But the happiness it's bought me is pretty damn nice.

I want it more than I am willing to admit.

I would have never imagined that being on the verge of giving up would take me much closer to being where I wanted to go than working at it.

I finally just let myself go with it instead of against it.

We'll see. Good or bad.

I want it so badly.
I want it so much that I want to cry.
Because I want it so much that it hurts.
There's nothing that I can do but show my hunger
my determination, my desire.

I want it so much I will show you my soul.
I feel it burning inside of me.
It's going to explode soon.

MY PROBLEM SET JUST GOT PUSHED BACK TO MONDAY!!!!
It was due Thursday which meant I had to do it earlier since I am doing nationals...but since my instructor got sick and couldn't come to class Monday (which I conveniently slept through because I was feeling sick) it got pushed to Friday, and since I assume that's 4th of July it got pushed to Monday!


HALLELUJAH!

Okay back to doing the current problem set..which I will be scanning..and then PACKING FOR NATIONALS!!!

When you take off the rose colored glasses you've been wearing, you find that you're sitting in a seat you no longer recognize.

Everything changes.

It's not playtime anymore.