I think I'm getting sick.
Must eat healthier, must eat cold prevention food.
BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
生活很美
After a few days of being the emo queen, a couple of kendo sessions and a really good song later. I feel good. Life is a beautiful thing, there are too many things in life that are amazing happening around us at every moment. Life is about pain and about joy. There is not one without the other.
I think of it like one of my favorite foods, 牛肉麵. I loved the stuff I had here, but the best I've ever had is no where short of Taiwan. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever eaten. In order to eat it I had to leave everything I was comfortable with and go somewhere I'd never been, with no one I knew around me. I mean it wasn't the whole reason I was there but I'd definitely wanted to try that stuff. If I think of all the things I had to let go of to eat it and enjoy it, it seems like it's a lot. But it was worth every ounce I gained, it was worth the humid weather, the new culture, the things I had to learn to adapt to, and the experiences I went through. Because it was just simply AMAZING.
All things that are worthwhile in life are like that, you have to truly be able to let go to truly enjoy it.
And if it's not the best you've tasted, that means there's something more amazing somewhere else. But when you finally find it, it makes it so much more worthwhile. Much more than if you had the best to begin with.
Life can give us so much if we live with open minds, and hearts.
I think of it like one of my favorite foods, 牛肉麵. I loved the stuff I had here, but the best I've ever had is no where short of Taiwan. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever eaten. In order to eat it I had to leave everything I was comfortable with and go somewhere I'd never been, with no one I knew around me. I mean it wasn't the whole reason I was there but I'd definitely wanted to try that stuff. If I think of all the things I had to let go of to eat it and enjoy it, it seems like it's a lot. But it was worth every ounce I gained, it was worth the humid weather, the new culture, the things I had to learn to adapt to, and the experiences I went through. Because it was just simply AMAZING.
All things that are worthwhile in life are like that, you have to truly be able to let go to truly enjoy it.
And if it's not the best you've tasted, that means there's something more amazing somewhere else. But when you finally find it, it makes it so much more worthwhile. Much more than if you had the best to begin with.
Life can give us so much if we live with open minds, and hearts.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Winning From a Loss
During the last tournament I think I did the worst I ever did in a kendo tournament. I felt like it was the worst kendo, everyone told me it wasn't so great or they tried to comfort me a little, but I knew it was bad and so did they.
I was pretty down about it.
Then something unexpected happened. My sensei, Miyata-sensei told me, "You lost but you did good kendo."
This man does not compliment without it being deserved, he does not say nice things he is honest. He's a hachi dan he has no reason to say nice things to anyone.
that one comment alone meant more to me than winning any match would ever mean.
If you can understand my story, you will understand it applies to more than just kendo.
I was pretty down about it.
Then something unexpected happened. My sensei, Miyata-sensei told me, "You lost but you did good kendo."
This man does not compliment without it being deserved, he does not say nice things he is honest. He's a hachi dan he has no reason to say nice things to anyone.
that one comment alone meant more to me than winning any match would ever mean.
If you can understand my story, you will understand it applies to more than just kendo.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Lust, Caution
This has spoilers so don't read it if you think that you're going to watch this movie.
So after getting over my initial disappointment of not seeing Leehom Wang get it on and thinking about the movie in an unbiased way along with some overly enthusiastic Helen comments. I started to sit down an analyze the movie and really think about it.
This character is a woman who for the most part has not lead such a pretty life, her father abandons her, her mother dies, and for the most part she gets somewhat pushed into things by pressure, and infatuation. She never really desires to take a part in these things, but she ends up doing them anyway. Despite this she becomes the lead of every role that she plays. Also because of this she basically is used. She loses her virginity for this cause, and takes sexual pain to further this cause.
For the most part, I believe that the fact that she loses her virginity just for her mission, shows how much of a tool she is. It's something considered to be as precious as a jewel. Not only that but to someone who only fucks whores, it seems like she becomes nothing more than just a whore, someone who is just being used for the sake of furthering the game. To make things worse it is when she leaves that everyone is taken away into the resistance where she has to suffer living a meager life. But is they who desire be part of the resistance, to fight for their country, because it's they who stab Tsao, each and every one almost as though stabbing the man is a rite of initiation, all of them except for Miss Wong. It is all of them who is smuggled away but her, and she is the only one that has to sacrifice her innocence and purity to a whore lover for this. In some ways I believe that she is made out to be worse than a whore..at least they get paid. All she gets is the hope that Kuang will return her affections, and he does it...3 years too late.
But when I think about it..despite her playing all of what she is doing as an act, she slowly begins to fall for Yee. Despite being a rough, brutal man which is shown by his sexual demeanor he really cares for her and I think that this can be seen by the intensity of their love making. He loves her the only way that he knows how, the way he lives his life, and it is harsh. But when he finally starts to show her that he really cares, and that she is not just a whore like everyone else has been treating her she loses it and sacrifices herself and turns in her colleagues to save him.
Just that action alone makes me wonder. How must it feel to be him? To truly love her, through years of separation to open up to her about things that he would never tell anyone else. To allow her into the crevices that he refuses to other people, only to learn that she was a spy. And for her to realize that her mission, is not a man who cares only for himself but cares for her deeply. This fucked up love bond that they have, it would never work despite the fact that I hoped it would. Hey I can dream for a happy ending instead of a depressing realistic one.
The pain that they both suffer, I can only imagine how intense it must be. One to realize that the truth is actually a lie, and the other to realize that a lie has become truth.
Realistic movies about love are painful. This hurt my heart, but it was beautiful.
Poo, now I want to watch more movies like this, but they're bad for me!
So after getting over my initial disappointment of not seeing Leehom Wang get it on and thinking about the movie in an unbiased way along with some overly enthusiastic Helen comments. I started to sit down an analyze the movie and really think about it.
This character is a woman who for the most part has not lead such a pretty life, her father abandons her, her mother dies, and for the most part she gets somewhat pushed into things by pressure, and infatuation. She never really desires to take a part in these things, but she ends up doing them anyway. Despite this she becomes the lead of every role that she plays. Also because of this she basically is used. She loses her virginity for this cause, and takes sexual pain to further this cause.
For the most part, I believe that the fact that she loses her virginity just for her mission, shows how much of a tool she is. It's something considered to be as precious as a jewel. Not only that but to someone who only fucks whores, it seems like she becomes nothing more than just a whore, someone who is just being used for the sake of furthering the game. To make things worse it is when she leaves that everyone is taken away into the resistance where she has to suffer living a meager life. But is they who desire be part of the resistance, to fight for their country, because it's they who stab Tsao, each and every one almost as though stabbing the man is a rite of initiation, all of them except for Miss Wong. It is all of them who is smuggled away but her, and she is the only one that has to sacrifice her innocence and purity to a whore lover for this. In some ways I believe that she is made out to be worse than a whore..at least they get paid. All she gets is the hope that Kuang will return her affections, and he does it...3 years too late.
But when I think about it..despite her playing all of what she is doing as an act, she slowly begins to fall for Yee. Despite being a rough, brutal man which is shown by his sexual demeanor he really cares for her and I think that this can be seen by the intensity of their love making. He loves her the only way that he knows how, the way he lives his life, and it is harsh. But when he finally starts to show her that he really cares, and that she is not just a whore like everyone else has been treating her she loses it and sacrifices herself and turns in her colleagues to save him.
Just that action alone makes me wonder. How must it feel to be him? To truly love her, through years of separation to open up to her about things that he would never tell anyone else. To allow her into the crevices that he refuses to other people, only to learn that she was a spy. And for her to realize that her mission, is not a man who cares only for himself but cares for her deeply. This fucked up love bond that they have, it would never work despite the fact that I hoped it would. Hey I can dream for a happy ending instead of a depressing realistic one.
The pain that they both suffer, I can only imagine how intense it must be. One to realize that the truth is actually a lie, and the other to realize that a lie has become truth.
Realistic movies about love are painful. This hurt my heart, but it was beautiful.
Poo, now I want to watch more movies like this, but they're bad for me!
Friday, October 19, 2007
The Loss of Intellectualism
Today I watched Lust, Caution with Helen. I lost some of the whole Mahjong thing since I don't really know how to play, but I thought the movie was pretty good. It was intellectual. Something I haven't felt in ages.
I feel as though in the pursuit of higher learning, that I have lost my own sense of intellectualism. My thoughts and my perspective of life is still the same but I haven't been able to let my brain work in a way that is anything besides factual.
Part of it I believe is because being here in Berkeley has left me in disgust and possibly fear of coming off like a wannabe intellectual. Those people who continue babbling their philosophies and refuse to listen to others. I've met enough people like that, and those who feel inferior because they feel they are not as up to par with others.
In the midst of that I suppose I have decided to hide any sort of maturity or intellectualism that I have. I feel like I've lost my ability to truly express my thoughts and they have become bottled up inside somewhere waiting to be released.
I once said in my freshman year, that I wished I could really have deep conversations with people, and yet now when it is possible I shun them. Inside I really wish that I could just sit down with someone and discuss things, and let them understand my perspective on life. Because I think that in Berkeley, we all get so caught up trying to be on par in our classes and in our subjects of studies that a lot of people neglect to see that there is more to life than being knowledgeable in ONE subject, or a number on a piece of paper. There is experience, there is beauty to been seen, there are people to be understood. In 3 years, that number will mean nothing but the experience is everything, the developments, the understanding, the growing of your ability to see things beyond what is right in front of you.
What would be more sad than realizing in 4 years you are nothing more than you were 4 years ago?
Helen said something of the extent of not letting school get in the way of your education, and after thinking about it for a little bit I believe that she's right.
Perhaps what I've been looking for is not a genius but an intellectual. That was the mistake that I've been making.
I feel as though in the pursuit of higher learning, that I have lost my own sense of intellectualism. My thoughts and my perspective of life is still the same but I haven't been able to let my brain work in a way that is anything besides factual.
Part of it I believe is because being here in Berkeley has left me in disgust and possibly fear of coming off like a wannabe intellectual. Those people who continue babbling their philosophies and refuse to listen to others. I've met enough people like that, and those who feel inferior because they feel they are not as up to par with others.
In the midst of that I suppose I have decided to hide any sort of maturity or intellectualism that I have. I feel like I've lost my ability to truly express my thoughts and they have become bottled up inside somewhere waiting to be released.
I once said in my freshman year, that I wished I could really have deep conversations with people, and yet now when it is possible I shun them. Inside I really wish that I could just sit down with someone and discuss things, and let them understand my perspective on life. Because I think that in Berkeley, we all get so caught up trying to be on par in our classes and in our subjects of studies that a lot of people neglect to see that there is more to life than being knowledgeable in ONE subject, or a number on a piece of paper. There is experience, there is beauty to been seen, there are people to be understood. In 3 years, that number will mean nothing but the experience is everything, the developments, the understanding, the growing of your ability to see things beyond what is right in front of you.
What would be more sad than realizing in 4 years you are nothing more than you were 4 years ago?
Helen said something of the extent of not letting school get in the way of your education, and after thinking about it for a little bit I believe that she's right.
Perhaps what I've been looking for is not a genius but an intellectual. That was the mistake that I've been making.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Easy Time
When the hell did 14 units become so hard? What the hell this was supposed to be a relaxed semester -_-.
Or maybe it's cause I actually get sleep now a days :\. Sometimes.
Or maybe it's cause I actually get sleep now a days :\. Sometimes.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Nostalgia.
I was looking at pictures of the summer. Despite the weight, I really miss Taiwan.
When I was there I missed the US and everything I loved here insanely, but I really miss a lot of the beautiful things there.
When I was there I missed the US and everything I loved here insanely, but I really miss a lot of the beautiful things there.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Rain
Even though it is a fantasy, I think I'll save it for a place like Taiwan where the rain is warm. It freakin sucks being soaked by the rain in Berkeley. -_-.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
HOLY SHIZMOS!
I found this on some dude's blog while looking at wedding cakes because I have an obsession with cakes in general and wedding cakes are absolutely gorgeous. But MY GOD LOOK AT THIS CAKE. HUBBA HUBBA! With or without the wedding one day I want to acquire a cake that is this amazing, it would be the ultimate piece of my cake buying obsession. Dear god, I want it!
Kiss in the Rain
It's raining outside, and long time fantasy of mine is to basically be kissed in the rain.
I suppose it wouldn't hurt to describe it. More procrastination time.
It's not really elaborate. It's nothing special it'd just be nice and somewhat romantic.
It starts off with drenching rain, the kind that Taiwan has in the summer, or Berkeley has during the winter, heavy rain that can drench you from head to toe in about 30 seconds. The streets are empty and as you walk through you can feel the rain making your clothes heavier and heavier with each step in the freezing cold rain.
Somehow as you hurry your way to where ever you are going to you encounter someone coming your way, as they approach closer you realize exactly who it is. You continue to approach this person until you can feel their also rain drenched clothes. Then you lock eyes, and embrace in a nice numbing kiss.
Hoo hoo, even though realistically you're going to get pneumonia and are actually running home to change and take a nice hot shower, I've watched too many movies and dramas.
The writing could be better but I'm rusty, it's been a while bite me. I enjoy my romantic little fantasies.
I suppose it wouldn't hurt to describe it. More procrastination time.
It's not really elaborate. It's nothing special it'd just be nice and somewhat romantic.
It starts off with drenching rain, the kind that Taiwan has in the summer, or Berkeley has during the winter, heavy rain that can drench you from head to toe in about 30 seconds. The streets are empty and as you walk through you can feel the rain making your clothes heavier and heavier with each step in the freezing cold rain.
Somehow as you hurry your way to where ever you are going to you encounter someone coming your way, as they approach closer you realize exactly who it is. You continue to approach this person until you can feel their also rain drenched clothes. Then you lock eyes, and embrace in a nice numbing kiss.
Hoo hoo, even though realistically you're going to get pneumonia and are actually running home to change and take a nice hot shower, I've watched too many movies and dramas.
The writing could be better but I'm rusty, it's been a while bite me. I enjoy my romantic little fantasies.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Hi @ 3:30 am
I just would like to say that despite being crap tired, and not wanting to do stats that
as much as I'm sure everyone thinks I've been acting strange, I've been fine. Minus my special monthly friend visiting :).
I <3 u all!
I don't know why I just feel that life is beautiful and have been for the past few days.
Maybe that will change, but no one ever questions why they're happy, they just enjoy it :).
as much as I'm sure everyone thinks I've been acting strange, I've been fine. Minus my special monthly friend visiting :).
I <3 u all!
I don't know why I just feel that life is beautiful and have been for the past few days.
Maybe that will change, but no one ever questions why they're happy, they just enjoy it :).
Monday, October 8, 2007
Mobile
After being bed ridden for a day and being unable to move out of it without feeling dizzy, I am back to being somewhat mobile again!
Yes!
<3
That is all.
Yes!
<3
That is all.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Procrastination FTL
In the midst of procrastinating for a 2pm midterm that I am only partially prepared for, I would like to continue my procrastination by blogging.
Yes, friends blogging. I don't know who reads this and who even cares to read the things I write. But for YOU yes, YOU my lovely reader. Perhaps the only reader, whoever you are, I am writing.
Lately, in the midst of my inability to go to the gym contributing to my ever growing lazy-couch-potato-ness. I decided to go to the gym. Man those endorphins! The things they do for ya! AMAZING! Despite having my ipod fail on me for 30 minute and the ability to go once every 3 days, along with missing kendo practices on Tuesdays for the past couple of weeks, I gotta say endorphins do things for you that you forget they do when you stop being uber consistent.
So I believe that I have become addicted to that wonderfully amazing thing that keeps me sometimes active called the gym. Or maybe I just enjoy endorphins too much. Who knows?
After two weeks of also being couped up in the apartment, I've been itching to go out. To go shopping, to go grocery shopping, to just go out and play in general. It's driving me insane that the only thing I've been able to do for a while is study, and my god is it painful. PLAYPLAYPLAYPPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAY!
Lastly, I suppose I'll change the tone a bit.
Also in the midst of everything around I suppose I have forgotten the philosphy that I fight in kendo with. It's one that I think is very true in life in general.
Generally when people start to fight matches, tournament matches especially they get a lot of performance anxiety. Because they've never experienced it, they're unsure and afraid of how they'll do. Instead of going for it, they hesitate a little before they do it, they hold back instead of going with instinct or hell, just going for it. But that's not how kendo is done, it's not something done passively. You've always just got to go for it because that chance may be the only chance you've got. You really just have to do things in THAT moment, and most of the time you're going to lose. But that's not what's important, because you get over it, there's always another chance. But sometimes, just sometimes you win. Maybe it was just your day, maybe your skills were better than everyone else's that day, maybe you just had the right instincts, whatever it was, that match was yours.
I feel like for the past couple of months I've been living life like that kenshi with performance anxiety, someone who's unsure and is completely afraid of that person she's gonna fight. That is not me. I know who I am, I know how I am. I've never been afraid of losing, because I know that if you never lose you can never win. You can never become better, stronger, and more determined if you never lose.
It's about time I stepped back into my own shoes.
Yes, friends blogging. I don't know who reads this and who even cares to read the things I write. But for YOU yes, YOU my lovely reader. Perhaps the only reader, whoever you are, I am writing.
Lately, in the midst of my inability to go to the gym contributing to my ever growing lazy-couch-potato-ness. I decided to go to the gym. Man those endorphins! The things they do for ya! AMAZING! Despite having my ipod fail on me for 30 minute and the ability to go once every 3 days, along with missing kendo practices on Tuesdays for the past couple of weeks, I gotta say endorphins do things for you that you forget they do when you stop being uber consistent.
So I believe that I have become addicted to that wonderfully amazing thing that keeps me sometimes active called the gym. Or maybe I just enjoy endorphins too much. Who knows?
After two weeks of also being couped up in the apartment, I've been itching to go out. To go shopping, to go grocery shopping, to just go out and play in general. It's driving me insane that the only thing I've been able to do for a while is study, and my god is it painful. PLAYPLAYPLAYPPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAY!
Lastly, I suppose I'll change the tone a bit.
Also in the midst of everything around I suppose I have forgotten the philosphy that I fight in kendo with. It's one that I think is very true in life in general.
Generally when people start to fight matches, tournament matches especially they get a lot of performance anxiety. Because they've never experienced it, they're unsure and afraid of how they'll do. Instead of going for it, they hesitate a little before they do it, they hold back instead of going with instinct or hell, just going for it. But that's not how kendo is done, it's not something done passively. You've always just got to go for it because that chance may be the only chance you've got. You really just have to do things in THAT moment, and most of the time you're going to lose. But that's not what's important, because you get over it, there's always another chance. But sometimes, just sometimes you win. Maybe it was just your day, maybe your skills were better than everyone else's that day, maybe you just had the right instincts, whatever it was, that match was yours.
I feel like for the past couple of months I've been living life like that kenshi with performance anxiety, someone who's unsure and is completely afraid of that person she's gonna fight. That is not me. I know who I am, I know how I am. I've never been afraid of losing, because I know that if you never lose you can never win. You can never become better, stronger, and more determined if you never lose.
It's about time I stepped back into my own shoes.
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