The Loss of Intellectualism

Today I watched Lust, Caution with Helen. I lost some of the whole Mahjong thing since I don't really know how to play, but I thought the movie was pretty good. It was intellectual. Something I haven't felt in ages.

I feel as though in the pursuit of higher learning, that I have lost my own sense of intellectualism. My thoughts and my perspective of life is still the same but I haven't been able to let my brain work in a way that is anything besides factual.

Part of it I believe is because being here in Berkeley has left me in disgust and possibly fear of coming off like a wannabe intellectual. Those people who continue babbling their philosophies and refuse to listen to others. I've met enough people like that, and those who feel inferior because they feel they are not as up to par with others.

In the midst of that I suppose I have decided to hide any sort of maturity or intellectualism that I have. I feel like I've lost my ability to truly express my thoughts and they have become bottled up inside somewhere waiting to be released.

I once said in my freshman year, that I wished I could really have deep conversations with people, and yet now when it is possible I shun them. Inside I really wish that I could just sit down with someone and discuss things, and let them understand my perspective on life. Because I think that in Berkeley, we all get so caught up trying to be on par in our classes and in our subjects of studies that a lot of people neglect to see that there is more to life than being knowledgeable in ONE subject, or a number on a piece of paper. There is experience, there is beauty to been seen, there are people to be understood. In 3 years, that number will mean nothing but the experience is everything, the developments, the understanding, the growing of your ability to see things beyond what is right in front of you.

What would be more sad than realizing in 4 years you are nothing more than you were 4 years ago?

Helen said something of the extent of not letting school get in the way of your education, and after thinking about it for a little bit I believe that she's right.

Perhaps what I've been looking for is not a genius but an intellectual. That was the mistake that I've been making.