It's just a little scary when your time series project has more suicides than anything else combined.

Don't pretend, and don't deny what's painfully obvious.

You're just pissing me off.

And that means it's going to get ugly.

我覺得很感動

As a person growing up, I have always felt very lonely. I think there are enough people who can relate to this. I was very shy, and very afraid to approach others mostly because I always felt like an outsider. It's not hard to when you're the only Buddhist Asian kid in a sea of Hispanic/Filipino Catholics.

You grow up being different, hating it and wishing you were more like everyone else, until one day you realize it's a blessing not to be like everyone else. It gives you quirks. At one point in my life I wanted to be Hispanic or Filipino and Catholic because I felt so isolated from everyone else.

Why so much background about my past?

Basically because of that whenever I see someone who seems kind of lonely, or feels a bit isolated, I want to reach out to them. Perhaps they want to be alone, perhaps they don't, but by instinct because I remember how painful it is to feel that way, and I don't want anyone to feel that way either.

Feeling loved, or cared for is an amazing feeling. Knowing that people genuinely care about you is a beautiful feeling. I think this feeling one of the best feelings that a person could have. Knowing that people are willing to reach out, and you're not left in the dust.

It is the feeling I want to be able to give others. To be able to know that you've been able to make someone happier even just by a little bit.

This is what I try my best to do.

Because you really never know how much you can affect a person, by a simple gesture of kindness. One that may be seemingly meaningless to you.

Most of the time it doesn't do anything, but sometimes just sometimes it can make a person's day, or it can be a catalyst.

Because sometimes all anyone ever wants is to feel a little less alone in the world.

Hum

Sometimes beneath the pristine surface,
it's a lot murkier than you'd like it to be.

Poo Sick

I'm sick :(

Make it go away :(

Who What?

All it takes is for one person to be willing to take a risk,
to reach out and be vulnerable for a moment.
And in that instant, it's created.

People are so afraid of taking risks,
because they are so afraid of being hurt.
But if you are always afraid of pain,
how can you say you ever really lived?

Why should you always wait for the other side?
Why can't you be the side that jumps first?

Wounds created from falls always heal.
Wounds created from regret, never quite do.

Most Amazing Feeling Ever

I get completely raped.
There was no doubt about it.
I was pushed, probably because I was part of the minority.
It doesn't matter.
It felt AMAZING.
Because I know that I was pushed,
and that because of it,
it's made me stronger.
It's made me just that much better,
It's made me see that much more.

To me this just isn't anything.
It's become more than that.
Sometimes it is what gives me the strength
to wake up in the morning and keep on moving.
When the only thing I want to do is not.
It reminds me that I am human.
It reminds me that because I am human,
it is okay to do things wrong sometimes,
because it's not over, things can always change
as long as I have the will power to change it.

And one bad moment, is not every bad moment.
There is always hope.

To me it is one of the most amazing and beautiful things in life.

Older Days

Learning Experiences

I spent my weekend basically doing kendo. The two people I fought were probably the two best fighting of my division that day. Of course my whole team got wiped by them.

The first guy I fought was someone who had okay, but not so great kendo. Granted I lasted like 15 seconds, but his kendo was still...off. It didn't feel good. That's all I can say. Perhaps it was that his kendo was bad, or perhaps it was that I didn't feel like I had a good fight with this guy.
ly
The second guy also kicked my ass. But he was good. There was definitely a different feeling fighting him. Perhaps it was that I felt I didn't want another 15 second match, or that his kendo was good, or maybe it was something else. Or maybe it was just that my pride wasn't completely dismembered. But I admit, his kendo was good, and the fight was intense. I guess that's what constitutes a good match to me. Is when I feel something pulsating, when I feel like I lose or win fair and square. That's a good match.

More interestingly I sat with a sensei, Hashimoto-sensei. I think that was the most enjoyable helping-scorekeeping experience I've ever had. I learned a lot about kendo history, player history, and player styles. This sensei was also the sensei that one of my senseis Matsueda sensei first learned from. Or really learned kendo from. I think actually meeting someone who taught him, was an honored experience.

I've noticed that most senseis I've met are very fun and easy going. I suppose that's what makes them such good senseis, is that they're easy going, and able to see the best in everyone.

In this tournament I think I learned more from not fighting than I did from fighting.

And then it breaks.

Mirrors

We all have those little things that we do everything in our power to conceal.

Maybe because we're ashamed, maybe because we're don't fully understand.

Maybe because it's everything that we don't like in ourselves.

So we hide it, we pretend it doesn't exist, we deny it.

Whatever it takes to keep it from being real, not to anyone else, to ourselves.

Because if nobody knows, and you don't acknowledge it, did it really happen?

In time you finally realize that, you can't lie to yourself forever.

In this time the world keeps spinning, and people keep moving.

Everyone except you, and when you finally look in the mirror,

it's the most painful thing that you can do.

不動心

It's 6 in the morning I've gotten like 30 minutes of sleep but there's a lot that I've finally realized. Hahaha, yes right before a midterm.

I'm not that weak person that I used to be anymore, that one thing that I've worked so hard to obtain, that strong spirit, the kiai, the fighting spirit that I've been looking for, I think that I finally realize that I have it. It took me about 2 and a half years of self cultivation to find this and it's not perfect, but it's there. I finally realize it now.

I do not doubt myself anymore.
I do not doubt my self worth.
I do not think that I am sub par to anyone.
Nor do I think that I superior.
I will not rise above, and I will not step down. It's all on even ground.
When all things come down to it, I and everyone else in this world are equals.
It doesn't matter if I have more experience, or less that is not something of importance.
When it comes down to it, it's about you at that moment, the connection you have with your opponent, and the dance that ensues.
Sometimes you lose sometimes you win.
That's not what's important in the end.
It's how you walk away with the result.

Command the mind and everything else will follow suit.

I finally learned to let go of a 5 year burden, and to forgive someone I have not be able to forgive for a while.

I feel free. I feel strong.

This is what I call my 不動心.

Lalala

Courtesy of Andrew.

poo

I hate studying.

That is all.

Reality

Maybe, it's been there all along and I just never wanted to really come to terms with it.

When you have nothing to hide behind, you have to face the reality of it.

Dammit.

Perserverance

You don't ever give up until you're dead.

I fiercely believe that if there's a will there's a way. There's ALWAYS a way.

Hahaha, to sound lame I quote Phoenix Wright 3: "A laywer doesn't cry until it's over."-Diego Armando.

You just have to be willing to push yourself.

Right now, it's rough but that's exactly what I'm doing.

The only thing keeping me from collapsing is my own willpower.

Pop

If it happens again, someone's going to die.

It takes a lot to piss me off, and I didn't think it'd happen.

But shit, some people are just REALLY good at it.

Lies

It's okay to lie to yourself.
Sometimes if it makes life easier, it's okay.
You just have to realize that you have to come to terms with the truth sometime, and sometimes that time is harder than coming to terms with reality from the get go.

But sometimes it just makes life go a little more smoothly.

We all do it.

Responsibility

If you really want it, I will help you.
I will give you what you need.
I will give you whatever I can.
This is my responsibility.
I will not shirk it.
But you will have to work hard for it, because I will work you hard.
But know that if it is truly what you want, I will do everything in my power to help you.
This has always been who I am and my role to you.
Realize that when you needed something I could give, I did.
I think inside you realize this.
That is why you think highly of my opinions.
Know that I will always be there,
and I will never stop halfway.

Venture into the Unknown

It seems like my life has taken a few unexpected turns lately. Some good some bad, but I've passed up some of the bad and now I'm in the good. Life never works out the way you expect it too, and sometimes doing something slight will affect you in a big way.

I guess I'm finally starting to accept that you don't know where you will end up, you just know you'll end up somewhere and that should be enough.

It's kind of thrilling really. Being young is nice.

Oh yeah, I need to post a story about being locked in. Yes locked in my apartment soon. I'll do it after this midterm I'm studying for. When I finally get that diploma I really have no idea where I'll be.

I just hope I can get out of the country.

開心

Sometimes you can't see your own progress, and how you are slowly creeping toward something. I don't meant a weight loss goal, or something like that. I realized today that when I look in the mirror I don't see someone who's ugly staring back at me anymore. I see someone that I like, something that I like. Not to say that I think I'm perfect, nor to say that I'm completely happy with what I see but more so to say that,

I'm starting to finally accept who I am and like it.

It starts with that, once that falls into place, so does everything else.

I'm beginning to believe in myself, love myself, and appreciate the oddities that make me who I am.

It feels good.

You don't have to be perfect to be beautiful, but rather accept that you're not and love yourself none the less.

I feel happy :).