I close my eyes.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I tell myself.
Sometimes you just need to breathe, to feel the air in your lungs, to make the world spin a little more slowly to remind you you're still alive.
Time isn't going to stop for me. It'll keep on going, it'll keep on spinning
It'll be okay, I tell myself. It'll be okay.
I've had my world stop in front of me so many times,
Sometimes when it does, I wonder how I'll get out of it alive.
When it happens, I tell myself to breathe in and breathe out.
To let the world slow a bit and breathe a little life into me.
Close my eyes, and let my world stop. Open them again. Take life one step at a time.
Life isn't meant to be easy. It's not worth living if it is.
I breathe in. Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Emotions.
I breathe it out. I feel.
When you make connections. When you let souls into your existence. You will feel them.
Feel them come in, feel them weaken, feel them leave.
Inside I pull, I keep on pulling. I hope that pulling will bring them back up.
There's nothing I can do to change what is.
Please, I ask. Be okay, please I ask. Be okay.

Please I ask.

Be okay.

I keep telling myself to breathe in, breathe out.
I need to remember that.
I'll be okay. I'll be okay.
Just gotta make it through the week.

Why the hell do I always end up in the shittiest situations?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

For once I thought it'd be okay, but if it doesn't suck for one reason, it sucks for another.

But it doesn't change that I feel like crap.

Dammit.

I'm blaming this on my period.

Perhaps, in my drive to become more confident to be stronger, to be resilient, I lost something simple. The ability to let myself feel. I feel that now four years later, I've finally begun to let myself out into the world. To run around and bask in the sunlight with all it's danger and beauty. The sun surrounds me.

It might have been a complete accident. It's almost like that feeling you get when you decide to go to the beach to get some sun, but realized that the sunshine has quickly turned into a sunset. You want to rush home but are so awe-struck by it that you decide to stay and watch it instead. When the sun has gone home and the moon comes out to play, it's been too long that you've been out. But in the darkness, somehow watching the waves fall onto each other, the smell of the beach rushes over you. The salty sand, the ocean water, the quiet of everyone having gone home. It rushes over you, in a way so subtle that before you even realize it you feel completely relaxed. Nevermind, you've been here way too long, and you're a little cold because you weren't prepared for the change of weather and maybe you're a little hungry because you haven't eaten in a while. It just feels like this is where you should be right now. You don't completely understand, but it's just such a nice feeling you find it hard to walk away.

Eventually you know you're going to have to. You're going to have to eat sometime, you're going to need a warm blanket sooner or later and sooner or later you need to sleep.

But for now......it's just a nice place to be. So you ignore everything else and just let yourself relax.

Sometimes that's just what you need.

I feel like lately I've lost my creative juices. I think I need to read more, or watch more movies, or anything that will make me feel more. Something's just missing, it's driving me crazy. Well....I'm in a bit of a writing mood so let's see where this takes me.

CREATIVE JUICES WHERE ARE YOU

I don't know how I feel about this.

Man, fuck this better at least be a good fucking learning experience.

Pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy.

Why am I into them? WHY? Why do I feel the need to compensate for my aggressiveness through favoring passiveness. It's frustrating. Dammit.

Hope.

I really hope that you'll be okay...



I've realized...that in order to get where I want I need to be willing to put myself out there. Really put myself out there.

Perhaps I could never get there because I was never willing to give up that part of me.

If I were given 3 minutes of existence. What would I want?

I think about it, and things rush through my mind.

Passion, love, adventure, fame, understanding, acceptance.

And I realize that the answer is very simple,

3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 years, 3 decades, 3 centuries.

No matter the length of time, it is simple.

No regrets.

I just want to walk off this earth with no regrets.

To know that I was never afraid of the loss, the pain, and the obstacles that came with it.

With any of it.

It's funny that searching for the answer to one question led me to the answer of something unrelated.


This is what I live my life for, never to have regrets.

I will fight to the death for this.