HELLOOOOOOO boredom!

I'm going do one of these myspace things on my blog....because im waiting for my drama to get to the place i left off at. Stupid computer.

How many boyfriend/girlfriends did you have this year?
eh none :(



What teacher do you hate the most?
ahahaha um.....my math professors :)





What was your favorite thing that happened this year?
getting on team







What was your favorite class?
none they all sucked





Are you glad this year's almost over?
its not.



What are you looking forward to this upcoming school year?

i don't really have anymore after summer...so n/a



Are you moving schools?
no






Are you still best friends with the same person as the beginning of the year?
have been for many





Did you lose any friends?
kind of





Did you make any friends?
yes, lots :)




Are you glad you made more friends?
mmmhmmm




Are you failing any classes?
done with classes atm



Do you think next year will be better?
eh i don't wanna think about it





Do you think things will be different now that you're getting older?
yes, quarter life crisis anyone?





Favorite lunch food?
hamburg, or sashimi





Did you cheat this year on a test?
no, cause you know itd get me kicked outta school




What teachers, if any, are you going to miss?
i have no emotional attachments to my profs

i think this survey is for hs students




Was this your favorite year?
no maybe one of the worst










What was your biggest struggle this year?
being slapped in the face by reality......repeatedly.

Dun Dun since I have time I think I will... CULTIVATE MY CHINESE AND LITERARY SKILLS... all three weeks of time when I'm not kendo-ing and working...yey!

I'm kind of bummed. But it happens ya?

Just gotta get it done and deal with it.

It happens, and maybe its better this way.

It's not what you think it is.
You'd be surprised.
But I'm still curious.

Let's try a different flavor.

Everything just seems so impossible right now.
:(

I'm thinking too much like a college student.

God dammit, my plan is going to fail.

It makes me SO SAD.

AGGGGGHHHHHH.

Oh well, time to figure something else out.

Sometimes I think it's too much work,
but hey you gotta do what you gotta do right?

God, I feel like I got hit by a freakin truck. Arghhhh from Sunday practice my hip is KILLING ME and my right arm near the elbow has a bruise. Not as bad as Sac kyoka renshu where I felt like I was gonna die afterwards because half my body was bruised up, but damn its definitely one of the worst. Arghh.

:(.

I want to eat fruit.

dammit and i don't have any...:(

It's been a while.
But it's inevitable.
It's just me.
We'll see.

Float on.

"Excuse me, do you like pineapple?"

If anyone ever uses that pick up line on me, and knows where it's from, I would date them just for the sole reason that they know where it's from.

Ahhhhhhhh <3.

I'm not good at this.
But I keep trying anyway.
Drug me up and take me home.

I'm so sick and tired
of all these things
that drag me down
I've got no where to go
they say that life
is in these hands
you give everything
you give yourself away you give
and still you choke
and find yourself running for the door

come and take me
home
lead me to your door
take me where you are
lead me to your door
at least just for a while

its some kind of life
forever days
we're in the cold
unfamiliar way
so take this fear
and fade it out
it won't make me sad
cause I get sentimental lord
in other ways
and I don't want to let me down here anymore

so come and take me home
lead me to your door
take me where you are
lead me to your door
and let me in
just let me in
and let me leave
just let me leave this world
come on now let me leave this world
at least just for a while

-Dishwalla "Home"

Four years. Four years has passed by so quickly. Four years ago, I was the cocky, chubby girl who thought she could take on anything. A girl who thought she'd end up in academia and do research and professor for the rest of her life. A girl who hated the city she came from and did everything in her power to get out. A girl who wanted to become fluent in Spanish, study abroad in Spain, possibly major in Political Science and Computer Science and become an activist in Berkeley.

Four Years later. Four years later I have become a Applied Math major, went to study in Taiwan, and spent two years studying Chinese and can understand it better than I could ever understand Spanish. I have learned to accept my own heritage and be proud of who I am and where I come from. I have learned to appreciate the people in my life, and love my friends. I have become more socially adept, more secure with myself, and become some what obsessed with exercise and eating right.

In the here and now, I have created a community for myself. A comfortable bubble that is all my own. With most things in life that I want. Yet, within a few weeks all of this will completely pass me by. All my friends will be going their separate ways, some to grad schools, some to work in other places, some returning home, and what not. I have a summer left but the Berkeley that I know and love will no longer exist. It is the people that have created this community for me, these people who are leaving to pursue their own lives.

At first I failed to accept this, then I became bitter, and now I am not sure how I feel. I am left to pursue my own path, yet I am not completely sure what it is that I am seeking. I know however, that after these few weeks my life will completely change. I have been through the college transition, I am walking into the real world. I'm not sure if I'm ready. Whether I stay in the bay area, or superficially stay here, or move back to Los Angeles, and how that will affect me I'm not sure.

I suppose it is that my world doesn't feel so stable anymore. At the same time, knowing this I feel oddly free. I can do anything... I can take time to travel, I can take up whatever job that I want to take up. I'm free to explore and take on the world. It's an odd feeling. With so many options what do I do with myself?

I feel as though I have everything and nothing in the palm of my hands right now. It feels almost like a dream, completely surreal.

It's a weird feeling I have right now. It's a weird place I'm in.

Perhaps this is my precursor to the real world and I have begun searching for that sense of home that we all so desperately desire to find.

i hate finals
i hate math
i hate studying

god i am always miserable during finals

Apparently all you have to do to pick out my taste in guys is pick out the most girlish looking ones in a crowd.

Even if I don't think they look girlish I guess a prerequisite for me to be attracted to you is for you to look at least somewhat girlish.


Argh!

Even though I totally don't believe Andrew(YES ANDREW YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS) he says that testosterone manifests itself in ways other than physical appearance.

All the physical ways that testosterone would manifest itself in someone physically is definitely not applicable to me. I don't really smell(minus the putrid bogu smell after kendo but thats more the bogu than me..), I'm not hairy, I don't really get acne, I don't produce huge amounts of oil on my face and hair, etc etc...

On that note my face is getting gross...argghhh I guess that means its time to get extra super healthy with the eating.

Hom..

So today I was doing a phone interview for a company in Palo Alto, and they asked me about kendo! If anyone knows what it is then they automatically get ++ points with me. Anyone who knows me definitely knows that. Anyway, apparently one of my interviewers is interested in starting kendo, and going into it. I mentioned that there was a dojo in Palo Alto. If he ends up starting that would be AWESOME. I love having more people in kendo, and encouraging people who are interested to start it.

It makes me warm inside ^_^.


Okay..back to this monster thing I call studying.

Soooo I'm officially done with TWO classes!

Let's just hope the results are pretty.

Anyway, one left.. the one I have the most time to study for, the one I need to pull a miracle in. And the one which had the most inconvenient midterms of the WHOLE semester.

After next Monday however, I will be FREE. It will be summer, I start work on the 27th and I will be free to practice kendo as much as I need to, do extra workouts on the side, and NOT STUDY until the end of June...

YES!!!!

I will get in shape not be poor and possibly have a car..

Just gotta survive!

I am planning however to get a new wardrobe..once I get paid... it's about damn time.

I fucked up my test. But I played pretty well today during the shiai matches.

I think I'm starting to notice that I'm getting better.In fact I won more matches than I lost. So that means I'm getting better...somehow hahaha or maybe I just didn't really play opponents that were that challenging..or having off days.. I'm not sure.

But I fucking suck relative to NCKF team...still.

I did however fuck up my feet. I kinda cramped my left big toe and one of the toes on my right foot was bleeding, I didn't even notice til someone told me. Eh it'll be okay by Tuesday. I hope.

Sometimes you find that things you thought would be easy to avoid, are actually rather difficult. I suppose somethings are just inevitable.

If I walk into it without a mission, then I'll just float along.

Maybe floating isn't such a bad thing....

We'll see what happens.

I need more female friends, female friends that like to go out.

So I can go to clubs and not bars.

AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH :(.


Oh female friends where are you!

It is almost 6 am. I have been working on 169 for a while now. I want sleep.

Once upon a time I could do all nighters. Now they just fuck me up.

Ugh, I'm jaded from being tired.

I want to curl up into a ball and crawl into a hole and stay there.

God, I miss my bed.

我要認識你。
讓我認識你可以碼?
這件事好麻煩。
但是我要聽你的故事。

It just seems like a corner and a tissue box is the place to be these days for me.

I wonder... but I think that's just me being cynical.

It's crunch time! Ugh, the worst time of the semester. I'm gonna need some sanity checks soon...

But a few things:

My last name is not Kim.
I can't wait until the semester is over because NO MORE ANTHRO. God that class sucks.
I'm not looking forward to finals.
I'm not looking forward to Session C.
I am especially not looking forward to job hunting...
BUT I CAN'T WAIT TIL THESE NEXT TWO WEEKS ARE OVER!

getting tubby..need to work out.


and eat less.


poop. i hate this body thing.



oh magic metabolism where are you.

kendo is going to suck next week because i am out of fucking shape.

In less than 6 hours I now hate life :(.

God life you love to toy with me.


Argh..

It's actually a job! Yahooo!!!!

Oh life I <3 you!

Bubble

It's 5:30am in the morning, I haven't done my math homework yet, and I don't have class til 3pm later today so I have the leisure of being a night owl.


I'm almost graduating and I've been thinking. Thinking about a lot of things. Berkeley is a bubble, to say the least. Everyone you will meet here, for the most part, is very intelligent. The average kid more likely than not was probably his class valedictorian, in fact I think more people I've met than not were. They probably did sports, did well in school, and did extra everything on the side. That's just how it is. But when that's the average joe, you get used to it, and you realize that you're not so special kiddo. You're just like everybody else here. Your once gigantic ego deflates, and you realize you're nothing special in this pond. You get used to it.

When you leave this wonderful little bubble and start talking to people who don't live in your happy land of pretentious, workaholic, egotistical oddly perfectionist people everyone you meet thinks you're a genius. And you think, thanks kiddo I'm really not, I'm just like everybody else.

Now I'm going to graduate, and I realize I'm leaving this happy little bubble of mine, where everyone is insanely distinguished and most of my professors are genuises who have won some prestigious prize or two in their lifetime.

No I'm not trying to brag that I went to some great school yadda yadda ya. Because being good at academics means you're loosing out somewhere else, sometimes it's something essential, like social awareness, or not being socially inept, or something that most people learn, but these kids really haven't or something is just not working up there, something has got to be missing. That's just the way it is. It comes with the territory.

And before you tear me apart for my broad overarching stereotypes that probably don't apply to everyone just listen.

When all is said and done at the end of the day, after every employer you've ever met is impressed because you were smart enough to get into some school, and expects you to be a complete and utter genius.

You begin to wonder, and you've long forgotten, what is it like out there in the real world?

It's then that everything hits you square in the face.

You've been living in a huge bubble for the past 4 years of your life. Not only that, the real world is about having more on your shoulders than just a big brain. You won't get that far if you're just relying on that.

And suddenly the world becomes a very scary place.

You might be a pirhana but that doesn't mean you won't get eaten.

Summer J.O.B.

So today I got a call from the professor that I interviewed with on Wed..Basically he told me that he's giving me a summer research position doing research on patterns and algorithms, I'm not going to even try to explain, but basically I'm going to be working on electrical engineering algorithms in C++.

This was the project that I expressed interest in and am actually very interested in working in and I'm surprised that the professor even chose me to work on the project. I guess maybe I partially think that it's a total fluke and that phone message that I got from the professor is a total and complete LIE.

Anyway if it does indeed turn out to be true that I am doing research during the summer, that means that I'll have $$ and possibly I will be able to convince my parents to get me a car because I would be able to start making payments on it. YAHOO! That would be awesomeness. (Then maybe I'll get a wii..or something..)

Now...if only I could get a real job for after me graduating..ugh I totally fear tomorrow and getting back my midterm, that midterm I'm sure isn't pretty...Oh well that basically means I'm going to have to perform on the midterm...super studying here I come..

School's almost over...just a little longer...

But hey I think I have a jobbbb