Sometimes I feel like a big shit assed failure.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck wtf

Being skinny doesn't make you hott.
Having a pretty face doesn't make you pretty.

It's easy for beauty to fade once your personality shines or perhaps overshadows you.

All roses wilt.

Sometimes I think people should stop looking in the mirror and start looking at what's behind that.

I realize lately a lot of douches have made their way into my lives. I do not appreciate this.

I wish there was douche repellent.

They could call it Douche-Be-Gone! Or something.

I need to do three things:

Be less of a chub- by eating right and exercising ;-;.

Stop wearing these damned glasses.

Fix my shitty ass posture.

awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward

I find myself becoming increasingly apathetic toward that of which I once gave a shit.

I suppose right now its for the better.

Sssh..do you hear that?

The wind?

Sssh listen more closely, do you hear it?

No.......

Close your eyes and let your soul feel it.

I can only feel the chill of the wind...

You're ignoring it, pretending that it doesn't exist.
Stop pretending. Stop denying it.

I don't understand.

It's smothering you.

.......what?

I suppose you wouldn't understand.

What the hell are you trying to tell me?

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Listen more closely.

......

Do you feel it now?

......

Yes, that's it. Stop ignoring it.

......I'm not.

It's smothering you, consuming you, killing you inch by inch. The truth never hides itself for long.

.......

But by then you will wish it killed your body the way it is eating at your soul.

. . .

There will be no pieces to pick up.

I don't care who says they don't.

All men think with their fucking penises.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a strong advocate of shaving your facial hair. So every time I see my hippie housemate I think WHY OH WHY DON'T YOU SHAVE.

WHY?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the other hand, I've been entertaining thoughts in my life that I shouldn't :p :D

ehehehehhehehehehe :x. They are oh so enjoyable.

My life isn't slowing anytime soon.

Sometimes all you need to do is stand back and try to understand the person that's trying to cause conflict with you.


Sometimes when you do that, you stop being sad, or angry and begin to realize that maybe you're the one that's better off, and the one that's much more mature.


But I think it's sad when you're more mature and well adjusted than someone more than twice your age.

I took off the facebook link that I had because I want to spend more time being open and bitching about whatever I want. I don't have to sensor myself to my audience anymore. Most of my friends have this blog and I don't give a shit who else reads it. If you're that dedicated then I guess you can hear me whine.

I guess I'm angry because I feel a bit lied to. But if you don't have the balls to be upfront then it is what it is. But it was dying anyway, so I don't really mind at all. But being lied to just makes me super angry. But that can be dealt with accordingly.

Also, in the past year basically I think I've found that I've really burnt out from giving a damn. I really just don't give a damn anymore. I suppose it's also because there are a lot of other things happening in my life right now. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't really feel bitter, I just don't care. If it happens it happens.

Walking into the working world has also has really boosted my confidence. I feel like I regained a lot of what I lost. Now I find that I don't give a flying shit what people think because I feel really good about myself.

I wish I had free time, but I don't.

I feel like every minute of my time I'm doing something...whether it's going to work, doing stuff for work, doing homework, at class, etc etc. I feel like there's almost no time for anything because all my time has been sucked up by things I need to do. And there's no time for things I want to do..:(.

I am POSTING WHORE.

I wish I had the free time to read, it would be really nice. Garg, especially to read my loser books, that I oh so love.

Oh Raistlin! How I would love to read about you!

wow i am a dumbass. garg.

I'm depriving myself until I get this shit accomplished.

I had a dream I was totally badass, it rocked.

I want to gym, I feel disgusting.
My life has been so hectic as of late, I can't wait til it gets to be in a more regular schedule.

I now have a place to live, and my second job is starting to taper off and I will be done with it soon. So, things are getting settled. Soon I won't have too much to worry about and can go kendo regularly as well as go work out, I'm excited about that.

For now I'll suffer through the disgusting fat feeling I have.

Sometimes I get into those moods where I'd just like to be in love, with no one in particular. Just for the sake of being in love. But there's just so much going on right now that it doesn't seem like it's a likely to happen soon.

But wouldn't it be nice? Nice to have those warm fuzzy feelings. Nice to wake up in the morning knowing that someone special loves you, to be able to have retarded conversations on the phone and know that the person enjoys them as much as you do. To do sweet random things for someone, just because. To be able to lie there and do nothing and enjoy someone's company. To feel their embrace, their kisses, and body warmth. To have someone to have adventures with, and to laze around and do nothing with, to share your day with, the simple gripes and the not so simple ones. Someone who can grow with you, and walk alongside you.


I'd like to fall in love with someone and no one in particular.

Perhaps this is the feeling of loneliness.

No bbq in my weekend :(. Would have been nice to stoff my face YOM.


Anyway, a few things off my checklist have been dealt with there's still more but I'm getting through it. Once I can get the major issues settled, I think I'll be a relatively happy camper.


Things have been rough, but usually when things get very hard you begin to realize in some ways how you are lucky. Possibly it's just a defense mechanism, to help you recuperate, but I think in some ways it's also a reality check.

In the end, I realize that I miss having all my friends at Berkeley like a block away from me.

Passive Aggressiveness

I cannot stand passive aggressiveness. You can be bitchy, vulgar, rude, whatever takes your fancy. But I really dislike passive aggressiveness. I am not a passive aggressive person, I will not try and sugar coat anything for the sake of not hurting your fucking ego unless something catastrophic has happened in your life.

If you want to eat my cake, then say you want to eat it. If I haven't already offered it, then if I wanted to give you some I'll say yes, if I don't, I will say no. If you don't want to watch a movie then say it. Because if you say you're going to watch it, then you're going to sit down and suck it up and watch it and NOT complain about how much it sucked because you didn't say you didn't want to watch it.

I also dislike guilt tripping. It doesn't affect me more often than not. If I was gonna feel sorry, I would have felt sorry. If I'm not I won't. If I'm gonna say yes, I would have already said yes. I don't waver very often.

I'm just tired of having to deal with so much shit.