You ever have one of those weeks where nothing really seems to go your way?
And then you're just kind of tired of things, partially because yer sleep deprived.
And you kinda just wanna be alone, but you kinda want company too.
Yeah, I'm having one of those.
It's just one of those weeks.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
All Things Past
Six years later, everything has changed.
Yet it still feels oddly familiar.
It was a could have been if things were different.
But it's a never will be.
You never had to live up to me.
You just felt like you did.
You know it never mattered to me anyway.
Things have changed.
I have become everything you wanted to be.
You are someone else entirely on your own.
I always knew it would be this way.
That's not what was important.
That's never what's important.
You could never see that.
You still can't.
What's left are memories.
I still miss your company sometimes.
All I wanted was for us to be friends.
Don't you miss being friends?
I know I do.
I guess this is what growing up is.
Yet it still feels oddly familiar.
It was a could have been if things were different.
But it's a never will be.
You never had to live up to me.
You just felt like you did.
You know it never mattered to me anyway.
Things have changed.
I have become everything you wanted to be.
You are someone else entirely on your own.
I always knew it would be this way.
That's not what was important.
That's never what's important.
You could never see that.
You still can't.
What's left are memories.
I still miss your company sometimes.
All I wanted was for us to be friends.
Don't you miss being friends?
I know I do.
I guess this is what growing up is.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
There are so many little things that you'll never see.
You can't expect what seems obvious to be obvious.
Not until you can dig deeper.
It's nothing, it means nothing, it goes nowhere until I can dig deeper.
And for now that's my only goal.
Because all things that should happen, will come all on their own.
I take the path of least resistance.
You can't expect what seems obvious to be obvious.
Not until you can dig deeper.
It's nothing, it means nothing, it goes nowhere until I can dig deeper.
And for now that's my only goal.
Because all things that should happen, will come all on their own.
I take the path of least resistance.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Life
It's funny how sometimes you learn the same lesson over and over again.
But you don't seem to ever get it through to yourself.
That's it's really about chance,
and about having something that can't really be seen.
And you shouldn't be doing it the way you've been doing it but you do it that way anyway.
You do it hopes that for once it's the right way to do it.
Because it's you, and it's how you do things.
You don't have to be the better man, because the better man doesn't always win.
Anything and everything you could ever possibly do doesn't matter.
Because it's just about chance.
It's about being at the right place at the right time.
And that's all you really want isn't it?
To be there, at the right place at the right time.
To do all the right things, at the right time.
That's all you want, and it seems easy enough, but it also seems impossible.
But every time everything is all wrong.
I just have to realize that it doesn't matter if I'm the better man.
I just have to be at the right place at the right time..and do the right things.
I just really hope..that I am.
But these things don't come easy, and I just hope that I'm not going about it all wrong.
But I can't worry so much about it, I just have to step out there and do it and not be afraid of the consequences.
And hope that when it matters it's right.
But you don't seem to ever get it through to yourself.
That's it's really about chance,
and about having something that can't really be seen.
And you shouldn't be doing it the way you've been doing it but you do it that way anyway.
You do it hopes that for once it's the right way to do it.
Because it's you, and it's how you do things.
You don't have to be the better man, because the better man doesn't always win.
Anything and everything you could ever possibly do doesn't matter.
Because it's just about chance.
It's about being at the right place at the right time.
And that's all you really want isn't it?
To be there, at the right place at the right time.
To do all the right things, at the right time.
That's all you want, and it seems easy enough, but it also seems impossible.
But every time everything is all wrong.
I just have to realize that it doesn't matter if I'm the better man.
I just have to be at the right place at the right time..and do the right things.
I just really hope..that I am.
But these things don't come easy, and I just hope that I'm not going about it all wrong.
But I can't worry so much about it, I just have to step out there and do it and not be afraid of the consequences.
And hope that when it matters it's right.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
My Eyes Are Bleeding
Look at that fine sexay thang! Damn!
I just had sashimi and salmon teriyaki so my tummy is insanely happy because I LOVE sashimi. Nothing like some raw fish and the possibility of getting worms, delicious! Anyway aside from that school's really making me take it up the ass, between now and next Monday I think my eyes are going to bleed from homework and studying for my math midterm.
God Anthro, I hate Anthro why is there so much work for Anthro! Maybe because I don't do any of it (but god does anyone even enjoy that class?)..I'm really not looking forward to this week....:(. It's okay, at the end of the week I think after my eyes stop bleeding I'm going to reward myself with.... SASHIMI!
I truly believe God's gift to mankind is sashimi, I think fish is starting to replace all other meat as my other half....sorry meat, I'm having an affair with sashimi, sashimi is just so....irresistable...
Ugh, now I have to go back and do that thing that nobody likes to do...studying.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Win-Lose
So this weekend I went on a road trip with my dojo to LA. I never drive down there, I usually fly because I hate long car rides, but it was awesome. Tournaments are always a bonding experience for dojomates and stuffs. The car ride was hilarious down and we made so many stops and I ate Mickey D's the first time in a LONG time. My body's probably still reeling from it.
ANYWAY, when we finally got down there we played around in the hotel, I GOT MY DS BACK. And I think I left my water bottle in Helen's car... anyway and went King's Hawaiian for dinner. I was at the old people table and it was actually a lot of fun. Connor was talking about birthday cakes and how we should say it's someone's birthday. I figured that was a good idea..soo Pam suggested I do it for someone at the other table.. we did it to Henry hahaha and it was GREAT. He looked horribly confused and tried to pawn it off on Helen. But man I loved it :p.
The tournament itself.....meh I sucked but.. I won a free men! So it kinda balances out in the end.
I know it's a boring post but I wanted to document the trip :).
ANYWAY, when we finally got down there we played around in the hotel, I GOT MY DS BACK. And I think I left my water bottle in Helen's car... anyway and went King's Hawaiian for dinner. I was at the old people table and it was actually a lot of fun. Connor was talking about birthday cakes and how we should say it's someone's birthday. I figured that was a good idea..soo Pam suggested I do it for someone at the other table.. we did it to Henry hahaha and it was GREAT. He looked horribly confused and tried to pawn it off on Helen. But man I loved it :p.
The tournament itself.....meh I sucked but.. I won a free men! So it kinda balances out in the end.
I know it's a boring post but I wanted to document the trip :).
Friday, April 18, 2008
Heehee :p
Stolen from Jaena.
Here are the rules:
1. List as many things you wish you could say to people but can't. They can be the same person over and over again.
2. Don't say who they are. :D
3. Never discuss it again.
- You are the biggest fucking dick I've ever met in my life.
- I lied. Forgive me. You can do better.
- No, I don't like you so please stop thinking I do. Honestly.
- At first I thought you were a bitch, but I think you're totally cool now.
- I wish you'd open up more.
- Our friendship is dying, and it really hurts.
- I think you're cocky but totally trying to play it off.
- Sometimes I want to cut off our friendship.
- Sometimes you say things that offend me, but I still love you.
- You're totally biased.
- Thank you for everything you've given me. I can never give back enough.
- You're fake.
- You can do better.
- Either get out of your hole or bury yourself in it.
- I'm surprised at what's happened between us.
- I think you make too many excuses. Man up to your fucking word.
- Don't do it if you can't handle it.
- I think you're too sensitive.
- You don't deserve it.
- I wish you would push me harder.
- I think we would be awesome together.
- You can sometimes be a total douche.
- I think yer psycho.
- I think you need more confidence, believe in yourself.
- I don't completely trust you. I think yer hiding something.
- I wish you still talked to me, I wanted to stay friends.
- I still think you're a bitch and I feel absolutely no sympathy for you.
- I love you and I think you're totally awesome.
- I don't know what's going to happen when you're gone. I'm afraid.
- I forgave you. I hope you realize it, because I'm not sure you do.
- I'm glad I'm not dating you. THANK GOD.
- You're never going to get good. It's obvious because you have no desire to work hard.
Here are the rules:
1. List as many things you wish you could say to people but can't. They can be the same person over and over again.
2. Don't say who they are. :D
3. Never discuss it again.
- You are the biggest fucking dick I've ever met in my life.
- I lied. Forgive me. You can do better.
- No, I don't like you so please stop thinking I do. Honestly.
- At first I thought you were a bitch, but I think you're totally cool now.
- I wish you'd open up more.
- Our friendship is dying, and it really hurts.
- I think you're cocky but totally trying to play it off.
- Sometimes I want to cut off our friendship.
- Sometimes you say things that offend me, but I still love you.
- You're totally biased.
- Thank you for everything you've given me. I can never give back enough.
- You're fake.
- You can do better.
- Either get out of your hole or bury yourself in it.
- I'm surprised at what's happened between us.
- I think you make too many excuses. Man up to your fucking word.
- Don't do it if you can't handle it.
- I think you're too sensitive.
- You don't deserve it.
- I wish you would push me harder.
- I think we would be awesome together.
- You can sometimes be a total douche.
- I think yer psycho.
- I think you need more confidence, believe in yourself.
- I don't completely trust you. I think yer hiding something.
- I wish you still talked to me, I wanted to stay friends.
- I still think you're a bitch and I feel absolutely no sympathy for you.
- I love you and I think you're totally awesome.
- I don't know what's going to happen when you're gone. I'm afraid.
- I forgave you. I hope you realize it, because I'm not sure you do.
- I'm glad I'm not dating you. THANK GOD.
- You're never going to get good. It's obvious because you have no desire to work hard.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Recognition.
I don't want to be just a number,
I want to be a name.
And I will do everything in my power to do this.
I want to be a name.
And I will do everything in my power to do this.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Medicine
Left handed suburi and eating salad hold the same place for me:
They suck, but I know I need it so I suck it up and take the medcine.
I'm getting a bit better at doing left handed suburi, this 100 a day thing is working pretty well, and...100 suburi suddenly doesn't seem that bad.
Eating salad sucks too but I figured I need more veggies so like the 100 a suburi, I've been eating salad with every meal.
I can definitely feel my body being happier because of the extra veggies, and I'm starting to understand that fishing pole motion that Matsueda sensei talks about.
Tonightttttttttt I go to kendo :)
They suck, but I know I need it so I suck it up and take the medcine.
I'm getting a bit better at doing left handed suburi, this 100 a day thing is working pretty well, and...100 suburi suddenly doesn't seem that bad.
Eating salad sucks too but I figured I need more veggies so like the 100 a suburi, I've been eating salad with every meal.
I can definitely feel my body being happier because of the extra veggies, and I'm starting to understand that fishing pole motion that Matsueda sensei talks about.
Tonightttttttttt I go to kendo :)
Monday, April 14, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Think
Don't tell me what you think I can do.
Don't tell me what you think I'm gonna do.
Because you don't know jack.
You don't know the struggle,
the time, the dedication, the hunger.
There is an intensity that you have NEVER felt.
Because you won't allow yourself,
because you don't fucking know what it is to be human.
Because you fucking think you know when you don't.
You don't know the fucking struggle,
you don't know the pain. Don't tell me you do.
You are NOT me, you have NOT lived my life.
You think that you're the first mother fucker to do this?
You're not, and you have something else coming.
You are a dime a dozen and I have spent my WHOLE life
proving people like you wrong.
I've seen more than you think I have,
and I know how ugly this world can be.
But these experiences have made me STRONGER.
I don't back down when shit gets hard and I don't cry.
So don't you DARE tell me what you think I can or cannot do.
Because you don't know what it is to have blood flowing through your veins.
Don't tell me what you think I'm gonna do.
Because you don't know jack.
You don't know the struggle,
the time, the dedication, the hunger.
There is an intensity that you have NEVER felt.
Because you won't allow yourself,
because you don't fucking know what it is to be human.
Because you fucking think you know when you don't.
You don't know the fucking struggle,
you don't know the pain. Don't tell me you do.
You are NOT me, you have NOT lived my life.
You think that you're the first mother fucker to do this?
You're not, and you have something else coming.
You are a dime a dozen and I have spent my WHOLE life
proving people like you wrong.
I've seen more than you think I have,
and I know how ugly this world can be.
But these experiences have made me STRONGER.
I don't back down when shit gets hard and I don't cry.
So don't you DARE tell me what you think I can or cannot do.
Because you don't know what it is to have blood flowing through your veins.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Finding it.
I've been feeling like something's missing for a while.
Something I've either lost, or can't seem to bring out of myself.
I finally figured it out. I finally have it,
exactly what it is that I'm trying to find.
That feeling, the feeling you have when you're not sure if you want to get out of bed, that dreading feeling that you have to wake up to life. But when you sleep you only dream of death. Not being murdered but everything that you ever cared about and loved, and created for yourself being completely annihilated. That everything around you has completely crumbled, the feeling that you've already died and that thread of life that you're hanging off of, the one that you have to bring yourself back to life from and it's right about to snap. Knowing this having to get up and walk, when you don't know if your legs will move you. The feeling that your eyes are open and you still can't see a damn thing. It's so easy to just let that string snap and let it go, let it die and completely let yourself fall into oblivion.
This is the feeling that you're battling, the struggle you wake up to everyday. You can't give an inch of yourself, you can't lose any ground because if you lose even a millimeter of this then it's all over. You have to grab it and never let it go. It's half determination, half desperation. But it's the only way that you're gonna get outta here alive.
And you're getting outta here alive.
Something I've either lost, or can't seem to bring out of myself.
I finally figured it out. I finally have it,
exactly what it is that I'm trying to find.
That feeling, the feeling you have when you're not sure if you want to get out of bed, that dreading feeling that you have to wake up to life. But when you sleep you only dream of death. Not being murdered but everything that you ever cared about and loved, and created for yourself being completely annihilated. That everything around you has completely crumbled, the feeling that you've already died and that thread of life that you're hanging off of, the one that you have to bring yourself back to life from and it's right about to snap. Knowing this having to get up and walk, when you don't know if your legs will move you. The feeling that your eyes are open and you still can't see a damn thing. It's so easy to just let that string snap and let it go, let it die and completely let yourself fall into oblivion.
This is the feeling that you're battling, the struggle you wake up to everyday. You can't give an inch of yourself, you can't lose any ground because if you lose even a millimeter of this then it's all over. You have to grab it and never let it go. It's half determination, half desperation. But it's the only way that you're gonna get outta here alive.
And you're getting outta here alive.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Life is an amazing thing,
it's beautiful
if you let yourself see
how beautiful it can be.
For some it's just too easy
to fall into a hole and never walk out.
But maybe if you set out of hiding from the world,
you'll truly understand what you're missing.
Each day that you spend hiding from the world,
is a day that the world turns without you.
If you believe in yourself,
you will find that there is NOTHING you can't do.
So learn to let yourself be happy.
Life is too short to spend in tears.
it's beautiful
if you let yourself see
how beautiful it can be.
For some it's just too easy
to fall into a hole and never walk out.
But maybe if you set out of hiding from the world,
you'll truly understand what you're missing.
Each day that you spend hiding from the world,
is a day that the world turns without you.
If you believe in yourself,
you will find that there is NOTHING you can't do.
So learn to let yourself be happy.
Life is too short to spend in tears.
Monday, April 7, 2008
goodbye life
I dread these next 4 days, u-g-h. I forgot that when you do math you pull one or two all nighters a week..when you do CS you pull..more in a row.
Goodbye 7 hrs! Good bye nap in the middle of the day!
Ugh.... my first practice in a week unless I can make it to Friday is going to be kyoka renshu :(.
I pray, that I get a friday practice...kyoka renshu as my first practice of the week is not something I look forward to.
Poooooooooo :(.
Body please don't die on me....
Goodbye 7 hrs! Good bye nap in the middle of the day!
Ugh.... my first practice in a week unless I can make it to Friday is going to be kyoka renshu :(.
I pray, that I get a friday practice...kyoka renshu as my first practice of the week is not something I look forward to.
Poooooooooo :(.
Body please don't die on me....
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Slow
So today during archery class, we were shooting at these small targets, and while we were shooting, the ta for my group was watching everyone and said "Hm...interesting, your arrows are a lot slower than everyone else's but they still hit the target." At that point Connie and Annie started laughing and Connie remarked,"Yeah, that's the story of your life."
It really is :(. I found that comment highly amusing though. How is it even possible that my arrows are slower than everyone else's? Honestly......I have NO idea.. but they are!
In other news, somehow I ripped some of the skin connected to my toenail. I'm not exactly sure how but I'm pretty sure it was from kendo last night. It kinda burns when I walk so I think I'm gonna have to tape it since we have godo keiko tomorrow.
It's funny how if I get bruises from the bow in archery I FREAK out but I get bruises EVERYWHERE, even in that SAME area sometimes in kendo..and I just walk them off. In fact, I still have bruises that are healing from Spring Break.
Ugh my writing skills are not what they used to be! They were so good...okay people I will work on writing entertaining posts.
It really is :(. I found that comment highly amusing though. How is it even possible that my arrows are slower than everyone else's? Honestly......I have NO idea.. but they are!
In other news, somehow I ripped some of the skin connected to my toenail. I'm not exactly sure how but I'm pretty sure it was from kendo last night. It kinda burns when I walk so I think I'm gonna have to tape it since we have godo keiko tomorrow.
It's funny how if I get bruises from the bow in archery I FREAK out but I get bruises EVERYWHERE, even in that SAME area sometimes in kendo..and I just walk them off. In fact, I still have bruises that are healing from Spring Break.
Ugh my writing skills are not what they used to be! They were so good...okay people I will work on writing entertaining posts.
mimi
wo zhi dao ni yao.
dan shi wo ye zhi dao ni bu zhi dao wo yao shen me.
yao shi ni gan lai le.
wo zai deng ni...
dan shi wo ye zhi dao ni bu zhi dao wo yao shen me.
yao shi ni gan lai le.
wo zai deng ni...
Friday, April 4, 2008
The Other Side
As most of you don't know, or do know I'm half Cambodian and half Chinese, this basically means I'm mixed. I don't really look like either, or so I've been told. Anyway, I , like a lot of people think was raised with a bias towards one of my ethnic backgrounds. That's a lot of politics and what not that I really don't want to go into but a lot of mixed people have gone through it and know what I'm talking about. Not everyone but generally yeah. It's a touchy subject one that I don't like to go into that often, because I feel like it's not really other people's business. But..ask me and maybe I'll tell.
Anyway, as a result I'm very familiar with my Chinese side but I'm not really that familiar with my Cambodian heritage. I know bits and pieces and little things about it, but I really don't know that much. Honestly though, I want to learn, more because I think it's very interesting. I guess I feel like its very easy to pick up a book on Chinese history and it's origins, but it's really hard to find out much about Cambodians. I also after dun dun dun reading wikipedia have learned that it's actually a generally very small population of Cambodians that live in the US, most of them living in Long Beach. That explains why I was raised there :p. Anyway, to me it's just fascinating to learn these things, it's like learning you have a long lost brother or something. I guess also because the history of why there are Cambodians here is somewhat violent and ugly, like it is with most Southeast Asians. It just makes it that much more interesting.
Anyway, as a result I'm very familiar with my Chinese side but I'm not really that familiar with my Cambodian heritage. I know bits and pieces and little things about it, but I really don't know that much. Honestly though, I want to learn, more because I think it's very interesting. I guess I feel like its very easy to pick up a book on Chinese history and it's origins, but it's really hard to find out much about Cambodians. I also after dun dun dun reading wikipedia have learned that it's actually a generally very small population of Cambodians that live in the US, most of them living in Long Beach. That explains why I was raised there :p. Anyway, to me it's just fascinating to learn these things, it's like learning you have a long lost brother or something. I guess also because the history of why there are Cambodians here is somewhat violent and ugly, like it is with most Southeast Asians. It just makes it that much more interesting.
office space.
Highly amused by office space I hope one day this will happen to me:
*enter conversation here*
Guy: First I'm gonna take you out to dinner, and then I'm gonna go back to my apartment and watch Kendo. Do you ever watch Kendo?
Me: I love Kendo.
Of course it would totally be youtube videos..cause you know basically that's all the stuff that is available basically.
Anyway, I think that guy is totally awesome. Hahaha, I <3 it.
Probably also because that WILL be my future...oy...it really will >.<.
Cubicle and bitter people who hate their jobs here I come!
*enter conversation here*
Guy: First I'm gonna take you out to dinner, and then I'm gonna go back to my apartment and watch Kendo. Do you ever watch Kendo?
Me: I love Kendo.
Of course it would totally be youtube videos..cause you know basically that's all the stuff that is available basically.
Anyway, I think that guy is totally awesome. Hahaha, I <3 it.
Probably also because that WILL be my future...oy...it really will >.<.
Cubicle and bitter people who hate their jobs here I come!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Dear Mr. Knight in Shining Armor,
Hi, I'm the girl you're supposed to save. I was wondering if you could, you know come and save me right about now. It would be really nice if you came on your white horse with your unrealistically handsome looks and lovely -probablybleachedteeth- smile. I promise I won't kill the horse like I said I would.I know that you like taking your dear time but honestly, don't you think it's about time you came out from hiding? I promise I won't bite, I'm really nice, honest!
Sincerely,
The girl you're supposed to save,
Lilly
Hi, I'm the girl you're supposed to save. I was wondering if you could, you know come and save me right about now. It would be really nice if you came on your white horse with your unrealistically handsome looks and lovely -probablybleachedteeth- smile. I promise I won't kill the horse like I said I would.I know that you like taking your dear time but honestly, don't you think it's about time you came out from hiding? I promise I won't bite, I'm really nice, honest!
Sincerely,
The girl you're supposed to save,
Lilly
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