I give up trying to understand. I REALLY REALLY do. I'm just going to blame it on being fat or something because its an easy scapegoat.

I just don't understand.

OH WELL

Perhaps it is time for a change.

Tonight.... is just another night.
Just a bit of light.
Just a little chilly,
just enough to remind me that I'm craving warmth.
and you, lost in a maze of thoughts.
I tell you it's just a little cold, and I just want some warmth.
Step in a little closer, because it's cold .
Just a little bit closer, a little more you.
Closer and it's a little less chilly inside.
And I think, If I were just a bit closer..
I would be able to hear the life inside of you.
Temptation takes me by the hand and flies me away.
Thump Thump Thump. The sound of your life.
It drowns all the sounds swimming in my ears.
And it just feels like a warm blanket.
To shield me from the cold
I hope this frozen moment never melts away.
I don't want to see the sun again.
Foolishly, I pray for eternity.
My prayers take their journey..
Close my eyes, and I drown myself in you.

I want to spit out prose the way I used to.

Where is my muse? Oh muse, come to me!

I just hope everything works out okay.

That's all I'm really hoping for. I don't think I'm asking for much.

Oh everything in my life, please work out okay.

Warm and fuzzy :).

Maybe :P

We'll see.

Can't do this to myself anymore, I HAVE to do something.

Shit.

Whatever it takes, gotta do it.

I will get where I want to be.

You make me so mad sometimes. I ask myself, was it so difficult?

But after a lot of ranting, I think I'm okay.

Everyone makes mistakes, and you're NO exception.

I think it makes me mad knowing that despite being angry and annoyed that I still care.

And that I wouldn't be mad if I didn't.

It makes me happy to know that you're comfortable :).

It makes me happy to know that you want to know.

I won't think too hard and I'll just enjoy it.

I'm jumping in fear no fear whatever it will be.


For once I feel like it's worthwhile.

Dicks! None of you want to stay my friends! I fricken went out of my way to try to keep in contact and stay friends with you guys and you just leave it like that. Is it so much to be civil? I guess it is too much to ask. Some people really can't just try to be friends. Ugh.

I am annoyed.

suck my dick assholes.

But I guess that's the way it is.

James McAvoy = HOTT

Finally, three and a half years later I did it. Three and a half years later it happened. I've been wanting this for so long.

And it happened...by accident. I didn't mean to get angry, I didn't mean to lose it like that. But all of the raw emotion I put into it, that was all me, that was me giving it what I had. That was me letting myself take over, without fear of losing, without fear of anything, just pure raw emotion and the desire to let it all go.

I had a terrible day, a terrible week. I've been angry all week, but I've found something I've been looking for, for a long time and it sparked something in me. That slump I've been in, it's now gone.

It's a thrill to let yourself go like that. Suddenly, NOTHING matters, nothing but you and the other person and you want them to feel you. All of it, the intensity, the anger, the desire. All of it.

It was amazing. I want to keep experiencing that intensity, I will keep on trying, pushing, learning, until I can perfect it.

Until they know.

I've finally learned how to put all of me out there, and it's amazing.

I had to learn to accept my emotions as they were first. It will only get better from here.

You will feel it. All of this that is me.

I'm getting there.

I love awkward actors.

Let's make a quick vague update about my life. This is gonna be shit boring but I'm writing this more so as a reminder to myself than anything else. So suck my balls.

I'm attempting a health month. Which means effective now until last vegas (since it can't be helped) I will NOT eat out (with the exception of my tournament bento). I will attempt to eat more fruit and veggies than meat. I know HOLY SHIT to that one. I will attempt to put more fish and seafood than any other kind of meat in my diet. That one is actually realistically possible, i LOVE seafood. I will make an effort to go to kendo at least on tuesday, thursday and fridays. Maybe do something else. find a pool or something and go swimming, do something... something low impact but good for exercising, just not running. I guess I can concentrate on kendo then move into swimming.

Hoping someone in my life gets better. Go go quick recovery!

And there are other aspects of my life I'd like to but definitely won't elaborate on.

I close my eyes.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I tell myself.
Sometimes you just need to breathe, to feel the air in your lungs, to make the world spin a little more slowly to remind you you're still alive.
Time isn't going to stop for me. It'll keep on going, it'll keep on spinning
It'll be okay, I tell myself. It'll be okay.
I've had my world stop in front of me so many times,
Sometimes when it does, I wonder how I'll get out of it alive.
When it happens, I tell myself to breathe in and breathe out.
To let the world slow a bit and breathe a little life into me.
Close my eyes, and let my world stop. Open them again. Take life one step at a time.
Life isn't meant to be easy. It's not worth living if it is.
I breathe in. Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Emotions.
I breathe it out. I feel.
When you make connections. When you let souls into your existence. You will feel them.
Feel them come in, feel them weaken, feel them leave.
Inside I pull, I keep on pulling. I hope that pulling will bring them back up.
There's nothing I can do to change what is.
Please, I ask. Be okay, please I ask. Be okay.

Please I ask.

Be okay.

I keep telling myself to breathe in, breathe out.
I need to remember that.
I'll be okay. I'll be okay.
Just gotta make it through the week.

Why the hell do I always end up in the shittiest situations?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

For once I thought it'd be okay, but if it doesn't suck for one reason, it sucks for another.

But it doesn't change that I feel like crap.

Dammit.

I'm blaming this on my period.

Perhaps, in my drive to become more confident to be stronger, to be resilient, I lost something simple. The ability to let myself feel. I feel that now four years later, I've finally begun to let myself out into the world. To run around and bask in the sunlight with all it's danger and beauty. The sun surrounds me.

It might have been a complete accident. It's almost like that feeling you get when you decide to go to the beach to get some sun, but realized that the sunshine has quickly turned into a sunset. You want to rush home but are so awe-struck by it that you decide to stay and watch it instead. When the sun has gone home and the moon comes out to play, it's been too long that you've been out. But in the darkness, somehow watching the waves fall onto each other, the smell of the beach rushes over you. The salty sand, the ocean water, the quiet of everyone having gone home. It rushes over you, in a way so subtle that before you even realize it you feel completely relaxed. Nevermind, you've been here way too long, and you're a little cold because you weren't prepared for the change of weather and maybe you're a little hungry because you haven't eaten in a while. It just feels like this is where you should be right now. You don't completely understand, but it's just such a nice feeling you find it hard to walk away.

Eventually you know you're going to have to. You're going to have to eat sometime, you're going to need a warm blanket sooner or later and sooner or later you need to sleep.

But for now......it's just a nice place to be. So you ignore everything else and just let yourself relax.

Sometimes that's just what you need.

I feel like lately I've lost my creative juices. I think I need to read more, or watch more movies, or anything that will make me feel more. Something's just missing, it's driving me crazy. Well....I'm in a bit of a writing mood so let's see where this takes me.

CREATIVE JUICES WHERE ARE YOU

I don't know how I feel about this.

Man, fuck this better at least be a good fucking learning experience.

Pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy pansy.

Why am I into them? WHY? Why do I feel the need to compensate for my aggressiveness through favoring passiveness. It's frustrating. Dammit.

Hope.

I really hope that you'll be okay...



I've realized...that in order to get where I want I need to be willing to put myself out there. Really put myself out there.

Perhaps I could never get there because I was never willing to give up that part of me.

If I were given 3 minutes of existence. What would I want?

I think about it, and things rush through my mind.

Passion, love, adventure, fame, understanding, acceptance.

And I realize that the answer is very simple,

3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 years, 3 decades, 3 centuries.

No matter the length of time, it is simple.

No regrets.

I just want to walk off this earth with no regrets.

To know that I was never afraid of the loss, the pain, and the obstacles that came with it.

With any of it.

It's funny that searching for the answer to one question led me to the answer of something unrelated.


This is what I live my life for, never to have regrets.

I will fight to the death for this.

It's amazing how simple things in life can make you happy.

I'll enjoy for the sake of enjoying because I don't know how long it'll last.

It's a nice feeling.

I want to hug people.

No more. No less. It is what it is.

For once I gave in.

So I've decided to just ride this out.

Just enjoying it for the sake of enjoying, not trying to reach some goal. Not giving myself a deadline to reach. Ultimately I have to answer to myself. Not to anyone else, and that's okay with me.

I'll enjoy whatever moments I have, and whatever happens will happen.

There's no need to try to justify being happy.

There's no reason to try to expect anything.

If I do I know I'll just end up miserable, and over think everything.

It's time to really let go.

When did I start wanting this?

I think it's a very odd thing, but I think the best way to approach this...

is just to be myself and be confident.

Keep a level head, keep a level head.

This is what I keep telling myself.

Agh. It's hard.

Is this the end of an era?

I wonder.

Perhaps, perhaps not.

Money

Being right out of college can sometimes be harsh. You have no car unless your parents were nice enough to give you one while you were in college, more likely than not they didn't. So suddenly you've got to save up for that. Then you've got a phone bill, loans, and any other expenses that might come up. You realize that there are a lot of things that you really overlooked that your parents paid for, and you realize that you really have NO money despite what that paycheck says.

Man adult life sucks.

I need a sugar daddy.

I'm gonna take it easy, and just enjoy.

And that makes me happy.

One day you wake up and realize that the things you neatly set in place and separate into categories, have fallen out of them.

They have changed, perhaps too quickly for you.

But.....come what may, perhaps its time to take them out and rearrange them yet again.

Come what may.

I'm torn, really. Whether this is me being affected by pms or not I'm not completely sure.

On one hand, things are going well. I have no expectations and am walking in not thinking about much more than what is. I think I'm doing pretty well with that. It's a weird feeling being in that kind of frame of mind, but perhaps it's better in the long run.

On the other hand, I'm somewhat angry. The feeling of being used easily makes a person angry. But it happens and I'm over it. It is what it is and the past can't be changed. You live, you learn.

The best friends you'll ever have are the ones that you can blow up at, yell at, scream at, get angry, fight with, and be brutally honest with, and despite all of it, and despite what's going on when you need them they'll be there.

I live my life looking for these type of friends.

But I think I'm lucky enough to have the ones I do.

Some people aren't so lucky.

I can't tell if I'm PMSing or not. And it bugs me.

<^>

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEARS

新年快樂

AHAHA JUST KIDDING!

One day you just wake up.

You realize that a lot of the things you thought were more a dream than anything else. Ideas you wanted to be real, things you didn't want to. It's like a nice cold slap in the face. It's good for you but it's a shock. Suddenly, you start to realize that you are the one making yourself miserable, you're the one that's making your life exactly what it is.

You run away from a good thing every time, you push away those that are closest to you until they prove that they won't walk away. Inside it's a fear, a fear of being hurt, a fear of trust, a fear of any sort of intimacy that can possibly exist.

It's so easy to blame everything on something else, easy to find a scapegoat, easy to say that it's not you it's them, it's that, it's this, it's everything but you. But deep down inside you know that it's you.

You try not to take anything seriously, you try not to breathe it in too deeply. It's your way of pushing it away, your way of subtly running away. And every excuse is a claim of independence. You begin to wonder... is this independence really independence, or is it just fear? You can't answer.

So in order to convince yourself, you try something new, something different. Thinking that you will be able to hold on to this. Things don't always happen the way they should. So you push, and you pull, and you push and you pull. And finally you're forced to come to terms with it.

Why? Why? Why?

Somehow, it becomes much more difficult to lie to yourself.

So you inch closer and closer to the inevitable and the truth.

You can't lie to yourself forever. One day you're gonna have to realize that you either face it or live the rest of your life in misery.

Liberation, imprisonment, fear,pain , desire, happiness, whatever it is that walks in.

You've got to face it.

Because you realize that it's time.

You can't run away for the rest of your life.

Music is the perfect expression of emotion. For all things that words cannot express.