Experience

You'd be surprised how much of life a person has had to carry on their shoulders.

It seems that those who cannot smile are usually the ones who don't completely understand strife.

Because, the ones who can understand what a gift it is for life to be mundane.

Those who believe that they understand people, have not been touched by wisdom.

I can make my own decisions.

I've had enough.

Your Time.

Your time, your time blahblahblah.

When the hell is going to be my time?

Giving it Up

You realize that in order to obtain a dream,
there are always things you must give up.

Last summer in order to obtain a dream,
I realized that I had to give up the possibility of a US position
or any senior staff position really. The environment the people
were things I loved and enjoyed a lot and I wasn't willing to stay
in the same seat I had at the time.
I gave up graduating on time, instead I decided to stay an extra summer after.
I lost progress on my hardcore diet,
progress that for me I'm still trying to get back to.
This is among other things.

But in return, I had the most amazing experience that I could have ever had.
I met the most amazing people, ate amazing food,
learned kendo in the same university that the wkc was held,
bettered my chinese skills to a degree i never could have here at home,
and just everything about it changed my perspective about life, and everything really.

To me, all the sacrifices I gave up in some ways held me back timewise on certain things, but the experience I took away meant more than any of the sacrifices would.

Now, again, I'm faced with the sacrifices.
So many things to me I feel I must give up, so many sacrifices I must make.
But in the end I believe I will see it exactly the same way.
It will be amazing, and all I will remember is how amazing it was.
Because the sacrifices we make, we make because we believe and know that they are worthwhile.

Benefit of Doubt

I always give the benefit of doubt until I can't anymore,

sometimes I think that's what gets me into trouble.

So I PRAY, that it doesn't do it to me this time.




Man why does this always happen to me -_-.

Love...

...is something that we create for ourselves to make us believe that we are not alone.


I think I've stopped believing in it.

It's not worth it.


It's the only thing in life that makes absolutely no sense to me.

Fuck it.

It's not worth the trouble or the hassle.

There are better things.

I'm just wasting my time.

I don't know how much longer I can go on but I have to stay awake for another 13 hours. dear god someone fucking save me i think im gonna shoot myself.

having 2 finals in a day and pull an all nighter is harsh.

Lalalala

Oh how nice it would be to be on a cloud right now.

Reminder

Most things in life are cultivated through hard work and determination.

Not handed to us.

It's easy to lose sight of this when you can't see your crops growing.

But you have to remember you're the one watering them everyday.

You're the one giving it fertilizer so it can grow.

It's easy to forget that every inch it grows is easy to ignore.

But for the consumer who's buying the crops you sow, all they can see is the finished product.

They don't know what kind of hard work and time has gone into what they buy.

There is no crop that grows without being nurtured first.

How much is something only you know.

You just have to realize that the end product WILL show itself.

Maginificent

By the words of Adriene, I need to start believing : "I am magnificent."

I need to stop thinking that I suck, and realize that I can do it. I know I can. I'm not the kind of person who goes into things half assed.


I'm going to train my body with whatever it takes, even if it means eating more vegetables. Haha, I love how it's not training harder, doing more exercise, or anything of that sort but vegetables!

I'll churn out someone who's good enough to win, in the next 6 months. And I'll commit everything I've got to it.

I've always been the type to do things that everyone else deems impossible.

I think my whole life has been proving that the impossible is possible.

And I will do it again.

Optimistic?

I think kenshi are the most optimistic people ever o.o.

My ankle is finally not swollen!

Yey! That means I can go to kendo tomorrow.

很有意思

我要笑。

是真的嗎？

大概不行。

我就看一看。

Style

If you're the aggressor in a fight, it's not all about your style.
It's about understanding your own, understanding your opponent's
and then knowing how to use your style against your opponents.

If you can never see beyond yourself, and are never able to connect yourself to your opponent, you will never get past the first match.

The best fighters are those that can truly understand others.

Wha?

So as everyone who was at practice today knows, or at least saw.

I cannot walk, yes I cannot walk. At least not like a normal person.

So today I was on my way to the BART to get to work which means go down the bart stairs in Berkeley. That was possibly one of the most PAINFUL experiences I have ever gone through. Every step felt like my legs were gonna die. Not as bad as sonkyo ugh or seiza but still pretty bad. So I hear them say Fremont train approaching, yeah you bet I was rushing my ass down the stairs, and then this retarded person and I meant that literally cheers me on for getting down the stairs.

Um.....I don't know how to react to that. But I think that you now understand how dumb I look when I walk down stairs. But at least I can kind of bend my legs, I can walk more than I did yesterday at least, that's great because tomorrow I have to go to Evans and go down those demonic stairs oh god. I hope my legs aren't that bad tomorrow.

Kendo was also possibly the most painful thing I ever experienced. My god! Do you know how much it sucks to have to do kendo when you can't zanshin properly? Ugh I felt like 500lb man trying to zanshin and hell a 500lb man can probably zanshin faster than me!

Sad :(.

I can't wait to walk like a normal person!

Anyway, free time is not gonna exist for me! Yey! Between work, classes and training my ASS off, I might have just enough to hang out with my dearly beloved friends.

God, do I EVER have time to see my friends?
Dammit!

Enough

I can never be PASSIONATE enough.

I can never be DETERMINED enough.

I can never be PUSHED hard enough.

I can never be DETERMINED enough.

I can never be INTENSE enough.

Unless it's breaks my body, mind and soul,

it will never BE enough.

I don't play to never be GOOD enough.

I don't walk into it not willing to GIVE enough.

It's time to prove I AM enough.

Let's kick it up a notch.

Full speed ahead, no excuses.

Blessings in Disguise

Sometimes the worse possible thing that you thing can happen to you, happens.
You think that it's going to break you apart and rip you into shreds.
When one of the windows of your cosy house gets shattered,
you wonder what it is that the world has come to and why?
But sometimes just sometimes it's these things that seem like the worse
omens that will temper your spirit and your mind to become strong.
The strength and will that you need to give you confidence,
confidence to bring it to another level, to bring it higher.
Because if you can deal with the omen, it will help you deal
with the blessings that come to you later on, and make you realize
that there is nothing that you cannot conquer.
The impossible is possible.
No dream cannot be realized.
Not for me.

There are no broken dreams in my life.
Because I make sure that I realize them.

The ability to always push forward, and to be fierce, comes from the ability to never look back.

Gratitude

It's in your greatest time of need,
that you realize what you have,
and who's there for you.

To those of you that are there for me,
and find it in yourselves to be willing to
do so much for me,

Thank you.

I have always and will always appreciate it.

It's just a little scary when your time series project has more suicides than anything else combined.

Don't pretend, and don't deny what's painfully obvious.

You're just pissing me off.

And that means it's going to get ugly.

我覺得很感動

As a person growing up, I have always felt very lonely. I think there are enough people who can relate to this. I was very shy, and very afraid to approach others mostly because I always felt like an outsider. It's not hard to when you're the only Buddhist Asian kid in a sea of Hispanic/Filipino Catholics.

You grow up being different, hating it and wishing you were more like everyone else, until one day you realize it's a blessing not to be like everyone else. It gives you quirks. At one point in my life I wanted to be Hispanic or Filipino and Catholic because I felt so isolated from everyone else.

Why so much background about my past?

Basically because of that whenever I see someone who seems kind of lonely, or feels a bit isolated, I want to reach out to them. Perhaps they want to be alone, perhaps they don't, but by instinct because I remember how painful it is to feel that way, and I don't want anyone to feel that way either.

Feeling loved, or cared for is an amazing feeling. Knowing that people genuinely care about you is a beautiful feeling. I think this feeling one of the best feelings that a person could have. Knowing that people are willing to reach out, and you're not left in the dust.

It is the feeling I want to be able to give others. To be able to know that you've been able to make someone happier even just by a little bit.

This is what I try my best to do.

Because you really never know how much you can affect a person, by a simple gesture of kindness. One that may be seemingly meaningless to you.

Most of the time it doesn't do anything, but sometimes just sometimes it can make a person's day, or it can be a catalyst.

Because sometimes all anyone ever wants is to feel a little less alone in the world.

Hum

Sometimes beneath the pristine surface,
it's a lot murkier than you'd like it to be.

Poo Sick

I'm sick :(

Make it go away :(

Who What?

All it takes is for one person to be willing to take a risk,
to reach out and be vulnerable for a moment.
And in that instant, it's created.

People are so afraid of taking risks,
because they are so afraid of being hurt.
But if you are always afraid of pain,
how can you say you ever really lived?

Why should you always wait for the other side?
Why can't you be the side that jumps first?

Wounds created from falls always heal.
Wounds created from regret, never quite do.

Most Amazing Feeling Ever

I get completely raped.
There was no doubt about it.
I was pushed, probably because I was part of the minority.
It doesn't matter.
It felt AMAZING.
Because I know that I was pushed,
and that because of it,
it's made me stronger.
It's made me just that much better,
It's made me see that much more.

To me this just isn't anything.
It's become more than that.
Sometimes it is what gives me the strength
to wake up in the morning and keep on moving.
When the only thing I want to do is not.
It reminds me that I am human.
It reminds me that because I am human,
it is okay to do things wrong sometimes,
because it's not over, things can always change
as long as I have the will power to change it.

And one bad moment, is not every bad moment.
There is always hope.

To me it is one of the most amazing and beautiful things in life.

Older Days

Learning Experiences

I spent my weekend basically doing kendo. The two people I fought were probably the two best fighting of my division that day. Of course my whole team got wiped by them.

The first guy I fought was someone who had okay, but not so great kendo. Granted I lasted like 15 seconds, but his kendo was still...off. It didn't feel good. That's all I can say. Perhaps it was that his kendo was bad, or perhaps it was that I didn't feel like I had a good fight with this guy.
ly
The second guy also kicked my ass. But he was good. There was definitely a different feeling fighting him. Perhaps it was that I felt I didn't want another 15 second match, or that his kendo was good, or maybe it was something else. Or maybe it was just that my pride wasn't completely dismembered. But I admit, his kendo was good, and the fight was intense. I guess that's what constitutes a good match to me. Is when I feel something pulsating, when I feel like I lose or win fair and square. That's a good match.

More interestingly I sat with a sensei, Hashimoto-sensei. I think that was the most enjoyable helping-scorekeeping experience I've ever had. I learned a lot about kendo history, player history, and player styles. This sensei was also the sensei that one of my senseis Matsueda sensei first learned from. Or really learned kendo from. I think actually meeting someone who taught him, was an honored experience.

I've noticed that most senseis I've met are very fun and easy going. I suppose that's what makes them such good senseis, is that they're easy going, and able to see the best in everyone.

In this tournament I think I learned more from not fighting than I did from fighting.

And then it breaks.

Mirrors

We all have those little things that we do everything in our power to conceal.

Maybe because we're ashamed, maybe because we're don't fully understand.

Maybe because it's everything that we don't like in ourselves.

So we hide it, we pretend it doesn't exist, we deny it.

Whatever it takes to keep it from being real, not to anyone else, to ourselves.

Because if nobody knows, and you don't acknowledge it, did it really happen?

In time you finally realize that, you can't lie to yourself forever.

In this time the world keeps spinning, and people keep moving.

Everyone except you, and when you finally look in the mirror,

it's the most painful thing that you can do.

不動心

It's 6 in the morning I've gotten like 30 minutes of sleep but there's a lot that I've finally realized. Hahaha, yes right before a midterm.

I'm not that weak person that I used to be anymore, that one thing that I've worked so hard to obtain, that strong spirit, the kiai, the fighting spirit that I've been looking for, I think that I finally realize that I have it. It took me about 2 and a half years of self cultivation to find this and it's not perfect, but it's there. I finally realize it now.

I do not doubt myself anymore.
I do not doubt my self worth.
I do not think that I am sub par to anyone.
Nor do I think that I superior.
I will not rise above, and I will not step down. It's all on even ground.
When all things come down to it, I and everyone else in this world are equals.
It doesn't matter if I have more experience, or less that is not something of importance.
When it comes down to it, it's about you at that moment, the connection you have with your opponent, and the dance that ensues.
Sometimes you lose sometimes you win.
That's not what's important in the end.
It's how you walk away with the result.

Command the mind and everything else will follow suit.

I finally learned to let go of a 5 year burden, and to forgive someone I have not be able to forgive for a while.

I feel free. I feel strong.

This is what I call my 不動心.

Lalala

Courtesy of Andrew.

poo

I hate studying.

That is all.

Reality

Maybe, it's been there all along and I just never wanted to really come to terms with it.

When you have nothing to hide behind, you have to face the reality of it.

Dammit.

Perserverance

You don't ever give up until you're dead.

I fiercely believe that if there's a will there's a way. There's ALWAYS a way.

Hahaha, to sound lame I quote Phoenix Wright 3: "A laywer doesn't cry until it's over."-Diego Armando.

You just have to be willing to push yourself.

Right now, it's rough but that's exactly what I'm doing.

The only thing keeping me from collapsing is my own willpower.

Pop

If it happens again, someone's going to die.

It takes a lot to piss me off, and I didn't think it'd happen.

But shit, some people are just REALLY good at it.

Lies

It's okay to lie to yourself.
Sometimes if it makes life easier, it's okay.
You just have to realize that you have to come to terms with the truth sometime, and sometimes that time is harder than coming to terms with reality from the get go.

But sometimes it just makes life go a little more smoothly.

We all do it.

Responsibility

If you really want it, I will help you.
I will give you what you need.
I will give you whatever I can.
This is my responsibility.
I will not shirk it.
But you will have to work hard for it, because I will work you hard.
But know that if it is truly what you want, I will do everything in my power to help you.
This has always been who I am and my role to you.
Realize that when you needed something I could give, I did.
I think inside you realize this.
That is why you think highly of my opinions.
Know that I will always be there,
and I will never stop halfway.

Venture into the Unknown

It seems like my life has taken a few unexpected turns lately. Some good some bad, but I've passed up some of the bad and now I'm in the good. Life never works out the way you expect it too, and sometimes doing something slight will affect you in a big way.

I guess I'm finally starting to accept that you don't know where you will end up, you just know you'll end up somewhere and that should be enough.

It's kind of thrilling really. Being young is nice.

Oh yeah, I need to post a story about being locked in. Yes locked in my apartment soon. I'll do it after this midterm I'm studying for. When I finally get that diploma I really have no idea where I'll be.

I just hope I can get out of the country.

開心

Sometimes you can't see your own progress, and how you are slowly creeping toward something. I don't meant a weight loss goal, or something like that. I realized today that when I look in the mirror I don't see someone who's ugly staring back at me anymore. I see someone that I like, something that I like. Not to say that I think I'm perfect, nor to say that I'm completely happy with what I see but more so to say that,

I'm starting to finally accept who I am and like it.

It starts with that, once that falls into place, so does everything else.

I'm beginning to believe in myself, love myself, and appreciate the oddities that make me who I am.

It feels good.

You don't have to be perfect to be beautiful, but rather accept that you're not and love yourself none the less.

I feel happy :).

I think I'm getting sick.

Must eat healthier, must eat cold prevention food.

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

生活很美

After a few days of being the emo queen, a couple of kendo sessions and a really good song later. I feel good. Life is a beautiful thing, there are too many things in life that are amazing happening around us at every moment. Life is about pain and about joy. There is not one without the other.

I think of it like one of my favorite foods, 牛肉麵. I loved the stuff I had here, but the best I've ever had is no where short of Taiwan. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever eaten. In order to eat it I had to leave everything I was comfortable with and go somewhere I'd never been, with no one I knew around me. I mean it wasn't the whole reason I was there but I'd definitely wanted to try that stuff. If I think of all the things I had to let go of to eat it and enjoy it, it seems like it's a lot. But it was worth every ounce I gained, it was worth the humid weather, the new culture, the things I had to learn to adapt to, and the experiences I went through. Because it was just simply AMAZING.

All things that are worthwhile in life are like that, you have to truly be able to let go to truly enjoy it.

And if it's not the best you've tasted, that means there's something more amazing somewhere else. But when you finally find it, it makes it so much more worthwhile. Much more than if you had the best to begin with.

Life can give us so much if we live with open minds, and hearts.

Winning From a Loss

During the last tournament I think I did the worst I ever did in a kendo tournament. I felt like it was the worst kendo, everyone told me it wasn't so great or they tried to comfort me a little, but I knew it was bad and so did they.

I was pretty down about it.

Then something unexpected happened. My sensei, Miyata-sensei told me, "You lost but you did good kendo."

This man does not compliment without it being deserved, he does not say nice things he is honest. He's a hachi dan he has no reason to say nice things to anyone.

that one comment alone meant more to me than winning any match would ever mean.

If you can understand my story, you will understand it applies to more than just kendo.

Sometimes you just have to pretend.


To be stronger than you really are.


But I gave it what I had and I'll take what I can get.


I didn't expect to feel this way.


The lies we tell ourselves.

Lust, Caution

This has spoilers so don't read it if you think that you're going to watch this movie.

So after getting over my initial disappointment of not seeing Leehom Wang get it on and thinking about the movie in an unbiased way along with some overly enthusiastic Helen comments. I started to sit down an analyze the movie and really think about it.

This character is a woman who for the most part has not lead such a pretty life, her father abandons her, her mother dies, and for the most part she gets somewhat pushed into things by pressure, and infatuation. She never really desires to take a part in these things, but she ends up doing them anyway. Despite this she becomes the lead of every role that she plays. Also because of this she basically is used. She loses her virginity for this cause, and takes sexual pain to further this cause.

For the most part, I believe that the fact that she loses her virginity just for her mission, shows how much of a tool she is. It's something considered to be as precious as a jewel. Not only that but to someone who only fucks whores, it seems like she becomes nothing more than just a whore, someone who is just being used for the sake of furthering the game. To make things worse it is when she leaves that everyone is taken away into the resistance where she has to suffer living a meager life. But is they who desire be part of the resistance, to fight for their country, because it's they who stab Tsao, each and every one almost as though stabbing the man is a rite of initiation, all of them except for Miss Wong. It is all of them who is smuggled away but her, and she is the only one that has to sacrifice her innocence and purity to a whore lover for this. In some ways I believe that she is made out to be worse than a whore..at least they get paid. All she gets is the hope that Kuang will return her affections, and he does it...3 years too late.

But when I think about it..despite her playing all of what she is doing as an act, she slowly begins to fall for Yee. Despite being a rough, brutal man which is shown by his sexual demeanor he really cares for her and I think that this can be seen by the intensity of their love making. He loves her the only way that he knows how, the way he lives his life, and it is harsh. But when he finally starts to show her that he really cares, and that she is not just a whore like everyone else has been treating her she loses it and sacrifices herself and turns in her colleagues to save him.

Just that action alone makes me wonder. How must it feel to be him? To truly love her, through years of separation to open up to her about things that he would never tell anyone else. To allow her into the crevices that he refuses to other people, only to learn that she was a spy. And for her to realize that her mission, is not a man who cares only for himself but cares for her deeply. This fucked up love bond that they have, it would never work despite the fact that I hoped it would. Hey I can dream for a happy ending instead of a depressing realistic one.

The pain that they both suffer, I can only imagine how intense it must be. One to realize that the truth is actually a lie, and the other to realize that a lie has become truth.

Realistic movies about love are painful. This hurt my heart, but it was beautiful.

Poo, now I want to watch more movies like this, but they're bad for me!

The Loss of Intellectualism

Today I watched Lust, Caution with Helen. I lost some of the whole Mahjong thing since I don't really know how to play, but I thought the movie was pretty good. It was intellectual. Something I haven't felt in ages.

I feel as though in the pursuit of higher learning, that I have lost my own sense of intellectualism. My thoughts and my perspective of life is still the same but I haven't been able to let my brain work in a way that is anything besides factual.

Part of it I believe is because being here in Berkeley has left me in disgust and possibly fear of coming off like a wannabe intellectual. Those people who continue babbling their philosophies and refuse to listen to others. I've met enough people like that, and those who feel inferior because they feel they are not as up to par with others.

In the midst of that I suppose I have decided to hide any sort of maturity or intellectualism that I have. I feel like I've lost my ability to truly express my thoughts and they have become bottled up inside somewhere waiting to be released.

I once said in my freshman year, that I wished I could really have deep conversations with people, and yet now when it is possible I shun them. Inside I really wish that I could just sit down with someone and discuss things, and let them understand my perspective on life. Because I think that in Berkeley, we all get so caught up trying to be on par in our classes and in our subjects of studies that a lot of people neglect to see that there is more to life than being knowledgeable in ONE subject, or a number on a piece of paper. There is experience, there is beauty to been seen, there are people to be understood. In 3 years, that number will mean nothing but the experience is everything, the developments, the understanding, the growing of your ability to see things beyond what is right in front of you.

What would be more sad than realizing in 4 years you are nothing more than you were 4 years ago?

Helen said something of the extent of not letting school get in the way of your education, and after thinking about it for a little bit I believe that she's right.

Perhaps what I've been looking for is not a genius but an intellectual. That was the mistake that I've been making.

Easy Time

When the hell did 14 units become so hard? What the hell this was supposed to be a relaxed semester -_-.

Or maybe it's cause I actually get sleep now a days :\. Sometimes.

Nostalgia.

I was looking at pictures of the summer. Despite the weight, I really miss Taiwan.

When I was there I missed the US and everything I loved here insanely, but I really miss a lot of the beautiful things there.

Heart Shaped Box

Take it or break it.

Rain

Even though it is a fantasy, I think I'll save it for a place like Taiwan where the rain is warm. It freakin sucks being soaked by the rain in Berkeley. -_-.

HOLY SHIZMOS!

I found this on some dude's blog while looking at wedding cakes because I have an obsession with cakes in general and wedding cakes are absolutely gorgeous. But MY GOD LOOK AT THIS CAKE. HUBBA HUBBA! With or without the wedding one day I want to acquire a cake that is this amazing, it would be the ultimate piece of my cake buying obsession. Dear god, I want it!

Kiss in the Rain

It's raining outside, and long time fantasy of mine is to basically be kissed in the rain.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to describe it. More procrastination time.


It's not really elaborate. It's nothing special it'd just be nice and somewhat romantic.

It starts off with drenching rain, the kind that Taiwan has in the summer, or Berkeley has during the winter, heavy rain that can drench you from head to toe in about 30 seconds. The streets are empty and as you walk through you can feel the rain making your clothes heavier and heavier with each step in the freezing cold rain.

Somehow as you hurry your way to where ever you are going to you encounter someone coming your way, as they approach closer you realize exactly who it is. You continue to approach this person until you can feel their also rain drenched clothes. Then you lock eyes, and embrace in a nice numbing kiss.

Hoo hoo, even though realistically you're going to get pneumonia and are actually running home to change and take a nice hot shower, I've watched too many movies and dramas.

The writing could be better but I'm rusty, it's been a while bite me. I enjoy my romantic little fantasies.

Hi @ 3:30 am

I just would like to say that despite being crap tired, and not wanting to do stats that
as much as I'm sure everyone thinks I've been acting strange, I've been fine. Minus my special monthly friend visiting :).


I <3 u all!

I don't know why I just feel that life is beautiful and have been for the past few days.

Maybe that will change, but no one ever questions why they're happy, they just enjoy it :).

Mobile

After being bed ridden for a day and being unable to move out of it without feeling dizzy, I am back to being somewhat mobile again!

Yes!

<3

That is all.

Procrastination FTL

In the midst of procrastinating for a 2pm midterm that I am only partially prepared for, I would like to continue my procrastination by blogging.

Yes, friends blogging. I don't know who reads this and who even cares to read the things I write. But for YOU yes, YOU my lovely reader. Perhaps the only reader, whoever you are, I am writing.

Lately, in the midst of my inability to go to the gym contributing to my ever growing lazy-couch-potato-ness. I decided to go to the gym. Man those endorphins! The things they do for ya! AMAZING! Despite having my ipod fail on me for 30 minute and the ability to go once every 3 days, along with missing kendo practices on Tuesdays for the past couple of weeks, I gotta say endorphins do things for you that you forget they do when you stop being uber consistent.

So I believe that I have become addicted to that wonderfully amazing thing that keeps me sometimes active called the gym. Or maybe I just enjoy endorphins too much. Who knows?

After two weeks of also being couped up in the apartment, I've been itching to go out. To go shopping, to go grocery shopping, to just go out and play in general. It's driving me insane that the only thing I've been able to do for a while is study, and my god is it painful. PLAYPLAYPLAYPPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAY!

Lastly, I suppose I'll change the tone a bit.

Also in the midst of everything around I suppose I have forgotten the philosphy that I fight in kendo with. It's one that I think is very true in life in general.

Generally when people start to fight matches, tournament matches especially they get a lot of performance anxiety. Because they've never experienced it, they're unsure and afraid of how they'll do. Instead of going for it, they hesitate a little before they do it, they hold back instead of going with instinct or hell, just going for it. But that's not how kendo is done, it's not something done passively. You've always just got to go for it because that chance may be the only chance you've got. You really just have to do things in THAT moment, and most of the time you're going to lose. But that's not what's important, because you get over it, there's always another chance. But sometimes, just sometimes you win. Maybe it was just your day, maybe your skills were better than everyone else's that day, maybe you just had the right instincts, whatever it was, that match was yours.

I feel like for the past couple of months I've been living life like that kenshi with performance anxiety, someone who's unsure and is completely afraid of that person she's gonna fight. That is not me. I know who I am, I know how I am. I've never been afraid of losing, because I know that if you never lose you can never win. You can never become better, stronger, and more determined if you never lose.

It's about time I stepped back into my own shoes.

Mr.Wannabe-Elite CS Guy

So today since I have a ridiculous amount of homework due tomorrow, I went to office hours to get some clarifications and help with it. While doing some work during office hours, I met two guys a pretty cool grad student and a guy who looked like he hadn't showered in a few days with a godawful sense of style.

Anywho, as I was talking and getting help I noticed the elitist manner of speaking this kid was using. As much as I wanted to tell him to shut up, since the GSI wanted us to work on a problem together, I shut up and sucked it up.

I continued getting help from the grad student who knew matlab pretty well and the grad student talks about how he's worried about the midterm and what not. I asked the guy why he was taking so many math classes since he talked about taking Linear Algebra. He went on about how his research had something to do with numerical analysis but he was an engineering type. Then the elistist kid goes "I'm a CS major, blahblahblah" as though that's suppose to awe us and as continues to go on and talk about how he programmed his assignment in java instead of in Matlab.

Eventually I ended up ignoring the kid and just talking to the grad student, but those wannabe elitist CS types annoy the shit out of me. They're always the kid in the CS class that scores average but tries to act like they know everything.

I wanted to but decided not to tell the kid that Java isn't a language that's good for mathematical programming. Especially if you have to do plotting, you're just adding an extra 10 hours of work to something that can take about 10 minutes to do. But I figure I'll let him learn a lesson in humility the hard way :).


Never assume that just because someone doesn't bring up their background or talk about it 24/7 means that they don't have it.

One more midday break

Hahaha between me and my bestest friend Alex,

(6:36:36 PM) etacarinae2174: life is so short
(6:36:48 PM) etacarinae2174: a lot of the time i feel like im not ready to hand my life over to math
(6:36:52 PM) etacarinae2174: like, i want to *live*
(6:36:56 PM) Me: lol
(6:37:00 PM) Me: im going into business haha
(6:37:32 PM) etacarinae2174: wtf
(6:37:51 PM) etacarinae2174: you didnt tell me you sold your soul to the devil

I <3 u~!

Yum Suit.

In the midst of my Saturday homeworking I have to make this statement. I believe that all guys should dress like this, or perhaps just own one of these. I suppose this comes along with my love of men in suits, but I'm not really a big fan of the whole tie dealio.

So I feel that an a suit without the tie, and a slightly unbuttoned dress shirt does me in.

I could elaborate but I really don't think you want to hear that. YUM!

Now back to homework :).

男人

我真的不明白男人.

Blah De Blah

Sometimes, I ask myself why, and I don't understand it but I do it anyways.

I would think, but the only thinking I can do concerns math problems.

Sorry for all the curt posting, I just have nothing interesting or insightful to say.

Tickled.

I am dumb but tickled.

Assumptions

Assumptions make the world go round, and they also make life harder sometimes. I have begun to learn the value of always giving the benefit of the doubt. I say this because I used to always assume the worst, I won't say that I don't it now but I generally always sit down think about it and give a benefit of the doubt or try to.

I've never believed that it's wrong to assume something about someone, but it's not the fact that you assume that matters, it's the fact that you leave room for the benefit of the doubt. It's human to assume, but to be able to give people a chance to prove themselves to you, or to just be able to forgive, is something I believe that sounds so simple, but is truly one of the hardest things in this world to do.

I don't know I think I'm just in a very forgiving mood today.

Play Play Play

So I went to my first practice at my home dojo since I left, it definitely feels weird being somewhere that isn't air conditioned but it was MUCHES HAPPIES for me because I got to see some of my favorite peoples. I also got to keiko with some people that I regularly keikoed with. It was death because no AC but I think I'll get used to it in time, ac isn't something I practiced with so it shouldn't be something that bugs me.

It seems like however kendo is going to take over the next probably month of my life. With the seminar and then the two tournys coming up oy its going to be a kendo fest for me. But I enjoy it.

Ugh Im tired you get my half assed entry. I'll try to entertain you kiddos later. Peace.

Back Home

I posted recently about how sometimes I feel shuffled around, but as far as things I know and love, I think Berkeley wins.

All my friends and things that I enjoy reside in Berkeley or surrounding area. Tomorrow morning, I'll be leaving So Cal and heading back into the rain filled land of Berkeley. I'm excited.

There are many people to see again that I haven't seen since summer began, many people to catch up with, and just to get settled back into the little hole in the wall that is my home.

I get to begin my routine, but to me it's a beautiful one, filled with endorphins from excercise, kendo-ing and doing kendo like things with my dojomates, having dinner get togethers, wandering SF and Berkeley, and just enjoying my last year at Cal.

Berkeley, has definitely been although a bit embittered, a place where I learned to open myself up again and just learn to love to life.

Berkeley here I come! :)

Packin on that Tub

Ever since I left high school and became physically active, I have been obsessed with NOT gaining weight. Whenever I gain even the least bit of weight I generally start eating less and head out to the gym.

Therefore, coming back from Taiwan and setting on the scale has basically scarred me for the while. I feel as though I very much need to go to the gym and work all of this off no matter how I have to alter my diet and how much I have to exercise. Normally, I wouldn't be so antsy about it but I haven't hit the gym normally in about two months and that's driving me fricken crazy. Normally I do exercise at least 3 times a week, in the past two months I've only managed once a week and have eaten ridiculously huge amounts of food.

As a result not only do I feel the need to go to the gym, I have this constant feeling that I'm gross. I also know that since I've not been active for so long that when I finally go back to working out it's going to kill me. -_-. So needless to say I'm a bit sad.

Garrrr I wish I could met it off :(.

I'm aching to head back to Berk.

A Simple Thing

Perhaps it is that I am too weary to write entertaining entries, perhaps I am just getting too old to put up that kind of farce anymore. Perhaps I just want people to be able to see the real me.

Whatever it is, I haven't had the urge to entertain with my writing lately.

But I will say I've been in a kind of mood. You know one of those moods where you just want this intense passionate romance, the kind you see in the movies, the kind you read in books, the kind that really doesn't exist realistically. I've basically been trying to satiate this mood by watching movies, by reading, by living vicariously through others, whatever works.

I suppose it's just a phase, a long phase.

I've lost my desire to continue so I suppose you're stuck with an entry without reason. Even though there is of course one :)

Mommie! Look at that Doggie in the Window

So today my sister took me to the mall, because I have no insurance and no car. Jet-lagged kiddies shouldn't be driving anyway.

Anywho, so we go into a dog store and then we walk around and look at the poor deprived puppies.

We pass by a pair of cute Pomeranian puppies. My sister looks at them and goes "Awwww, how cute!" I concede and she goes on about how adorable they are and how much she loves them.

Then they suddenly they start fighting, and some how the fighting turns into one of the puppies humping the other one. My sister's eyes change from a look of love to one of horror and disgust. A child then passes and gazes at the puppies and she says in Chinese "OH NO! A CHILD IS PASSING BY OH NO!"

The child passes by nonchalantly but my sisters look of horror remains. She decides to leave and all the midst of all of this happening all I can do is laugh in amusement.

A Taste of Kendo

Sorry, this one is gonna be a boring, non entertaining post about one of my passions in life. It's also a fairly solemn post so be warned.

Although I've only been doing kendo for 2 years, I've definitely jumped around to a lot of different places just because of the nature of how things have gone on in my life.

I go to school in Berkeley, that is my home dojo, but I live in SoCal which means that during breaks I practice somewhere else.

I went abroad to Taiwan for a little bit this summer, so I've tasted a bit of their kendo as well.

I feel like there are just so many different styles of how practice can be run as well as styles of fighting.

Sometimes I wish I had done it for longer before being able to taste so many styles, because I feel that if I were much more experienced I would be able to gain more from tasting so many styles.

But as a result of throwing myself into these things so early, I have learned a lot as a developing player. I don't really get nervous playing people I've never played before because it happens so much. I don't aim to win when I play competitions, just to develop myself because I know most people I play are more experienced than I. This results in being a bit more relaxed than I would be if conditions were different. At the same time I haven't been able to really develop my own style because everything is kind of mushed together. I suppose being able to taste so much teaches me to figure out what it is I want out of this, and what kind of style I want to pursue.

One drawback is that feeling of home. Familiarity. That comfort of going somewhere and knowing exactly what is going to happen. I feel like when I go to my home dojo it is home, but there is enough break time to feel as though home gets lost sometimes.

I think that in life in general since I went to college, I feel as though the feeling of home has gotten lost.

I don't feel completely at home at home because I'm just a visitor. I don't feel completely at home in my apartment at school because again I'm just a visitor.

I think a part of me succumbs to the loneliness that results from being so unsure of where to call home.