To lose everything is to be free. It is a blessing and a curse. In one swift moment, I left 10 years of baggage behind me. It was the most liberating thing I've ever felt. Bleh, the end is near but I'm not there yet and it's mighty frustrating. I won't go into details on a blog, but yeah T-T.

I'm happy though, at least for now :p. There's a lot of things to be done. But I feel more secure and confident.

I have always, and still believe that when a person dies, all debts will be paid. To you or otherwise. It's not too different from the idea of reincarnation but in a less eternal manner.

Nothing goes without being paid back. Good and bad.

That is largely what motivates my actions, and I do not do for others which I would not expect for myself, generally anyway.

Those that have been wronged, will always be avenged.

Keep trekking, I tell myself and soon you'll be free.
SOOON FREEEDOM

700 dollars a month for rent is nothing compared to keeping my fucking sanity.

When it's right, it will be right.

and some how that makes all the difference.

I will respect your right to be who you are. I will respect your ability to say what you will. But you better as fuck not expect me to not form my own opinions about you.

I was never one to try to hide my opinions of things.

cleaning.

Finally, you've found the cutest little place to stay. It's not perfect, but it's modern enough. It's clean, quiet and pretty in all the right ways.

But first you've got to get your old place cleaned. One of those things you just have to do.

So you walk into your bathroom to brave the monster you've got to tackle.

You start scrubbing. First the sink, that's the easiest one, it's not too dirty, it's the easiest to main, no scary monsters here, just a few little ones. In no time it's clean and nearly spotless.

Beautiful.

Then you start scrubbing the toilet, it's dirty, it's gross, but it's essential. It doesn't hurt too much, not too much bleach not too much scrubbing and it's as good as new.

Beautiful.

Finally you see the tub, it's HUGE. It's a monster and is it's going to be one hell of a monster to tackle. Tiles first. You scrub and you scrub. Harder and harder. Finally your fingers hurt, your arms are sore, and the bleach has burned holes in your gloves. You need new ones. More resistant ones. What you see...is something you haven't seen before. You never knew what the real color of the tiles were, nor did you ever notice the patterns. You find yourself captivated. You never noticed the intricate designs on these tiles. They're amazing. And you've never taken notice. Not once, not ever, since you started living here. You were too busy trying to get in and out to realize what you were missing.


It wasn't what you thought you wanted. You thought that it wasn't modern enough, it wasn't pleasing to the eye. You failed to notice that when the beauty of modernity fades, it becomes nothing more than something to be replaced.

Yet here, you see ageless beauty, you see something that only becomes more amazing with time. It's breathtaking.

One by one, the tiles take you to a part of yourself, you never let yourself see. Parts you hid, in shame, in denial, in failure to want to see.

Finally you finish. You take a minute to breathe it all in. It's overwhelming and it's crushing. But it is what it is.

There's more. The floors, The tub. You've only finished the tiles. It's not over yet.

So you keep cleaning.

Yet, as you clean inside you feel a bit of melancholy. In your desperation to escape, you failed to notice beauty. But it's too late now. It's not your bathroom anymore.

But you wish that it were.

What I say isn't what I really mean, and if it's really important, there's a good chance I've lied.

Why can't you see through it? I'm screaming my heart out to you.

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

C: If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V2: Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no it's never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V3: It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

C: If you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

If you just realize what I just realized

OoOoOOo

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now

Realize, realize
realize, realize

Inside I'm screaming for you to see it.
I'm trying to tell you but I can't tell you.
But I know you'll never figure it out.

I've been trying.
For two years.
Two fucking years.

Maybe I should drop the ball.

One day you wake up and grab your usual cup of coffee. You drink it black, with a teaspoon of sugar. A little bit sweet, but mostly bitter.

You take the routine commute to work. Sit at your desk, and do the everyday things you have to do. Check the email, make a few calls, and get on with your work. Finish the day, go home, make that bowl of noodles with the same brand soup stock you've been using for god knows how long.

But it's different. You realize that you hate coffee. You'd rather be drinking orange juice. You hate your job, you'd rather be doing something simpler.

You realize that you've been trying to fit a mold that doesn't exist. You've been trying to be a person you're not.

And it's what's been making you unhappy. You've refused to let yourself live the life that would make you happy because you're too ashamed of it.

And the only thing that playing this facade has given you is unhappiness. What's the use of an image?

Maybe one day I'll have that courage.

I was given a second chance. Second chances are meant for you to prove yourself. I will get through this.

I want a connection, is that too much? Sometimes I wonder.

I know you don't read this, and nor does anyone who would say anything to you. So I write freely.

I knew exactly where you were trying to go with it, I knew exactly what you were trying to get me to say. I know what record you were trying to clean. But if you're gonna try to do it passive aggressively, maybe you should be more discrete and less obvious.

And if you're going to try to clean that record, you had better outright do it. Be straight about it. I know exactly what goes where with who I'm telling. So I know these things get sent directly to you if I go to your messenger. I also know anything I say to you goes back to your messenger too.

Go ahead and play your game, I can play better.

I want you to become a blimp. It'd make me happy.

I fucking hate Berkeley.

My Two Cents

I'm not the kind of person that really talks about her political views or anything of political nature, mostly because I believe that everyone can believe what they want to believe, and they don't need to hear my strongly opinionated views on things. I have a lot views, a lot of strong ones, and they are my right but it is not my right to push them.

But I just feel like ranting about politics right now. DEAR GOD WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WANT TO VOTE FOR PALIN. Okay, vote for Mccain fine whatever. But voting for Mccain because you like Palin is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. The woman is a soccer mom, wait correction hockey mom. She has proved herself to be ignorant, and ill informed about politics which is okay if you're not THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE for a 72 year old man who looks like he's going to croak sometime soon. But if dear god knows how you find yourself in this position, I hope that you know your political shit. For fucks sake she could have studied current politics, she could have studied her own issues! If you can't even answer questions about US history, about your own freaking running mate, and dear god about the economy, you are NOT qualified to be Vice President. And if you're trying to regain public opinion you should NOT be doing it in a very restricted debate, if anything it should be less restricted so that you can prove to the rest of the world that you know what you are talking about. Even if Palin succeeds, a restricted debate does not show that she can think on her feet which is something someone who is high in office should be able to do. You're dealing with trillions of dollars, billions of people, and god knows what else that can affect the world. In any high office you should be well informed none of the least vice president.

For some of those that support her, if the reason is because she's like me. That is HORRIBLE. Why the hell would you want someone who's like you to run the country. Would you want a surgeon who's knowledge of surgery is just like yours, or your doctor, your mechanic, your lawyer, your technician, your professor's knowledge and personality to be one that you can relate to? In some cases, yes. But in most cases DEAR GOD NO. If my surgeon, doctor, lawyer, etc etc were just like me then I would be screwed. They hold that title because they are educated and well versed in that field. They know what they're doing, and they are NOT just like me. I want them to be good, because I want the results of what they're working on to be good, in some cases that's a car in other cases that's my life. If you want someone like you to operate on you I dear god hope you're a world class surgeon.

It's not about what your stand is, it's about being able to defend your view.

And I can say with a quite a bit of confidence that Palin cannot defend herself with confidence.
------------------
If you were to tell me you supported Obama, or Mccain or anyone else I would ask you why.

If you can't defend that why well, you shouldn't be voting.

Sometimes I feel like a big shit assed failure.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck wtf

Being skinny doesn't make you hott.
Having a pretty face doesn't make you pretty.

It's easy for beauty to fade once your personality shines or perhaps overshadows you.

All roses wilt.

Sometimes I think people should stop looking in the mirror and start looking at what's behind that.

I realize lately a lot of douches have made their way into my lives. I do not appreciate this.

I wish there was douche repellent.

They could call it Douche-Be-Gone! Or something.

I need to do three things:

Be less of a chub- by eating right and exercising ;-;.

Stop wearing these damned glasses.

Fix my shitty ass posture.

awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
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awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward
awkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkwardawkward

I find myself becoming increasingly apathetic toward that of which I once gave a shit.

I suppose right now its for the better.

Sssh..do you hear that?

The wind?

Sssh listen more closely, do you hear it?

No.......

Close your eyes and let your soul feel it.

I can only feel the chill of the wind...

You're ignoring it, pretending that it doesn't exist.
Stop pretending. Stop denying it.

I don't understand.

It's smothering you.

.......what?

I suppose you wouldn't understand.

What the hell are you trying to tell me?

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Listen more closely.

......

Do you feel it now?

......

Yes, that's it. Stop ignoring it.

......I'm not.

It's smothering you, consuming you, killing you inch by inch. The truth never hides itself for long.

.......

But by then you will wish it killed your body the way it is eating at your soul.

. . .

There will be no pieces to pick up.

I don't care who says they don't.

All men think with their fucking penises.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a strong advocate of shaving your facial hair. So every time I see my hippie housemate I think WHY OH WHY DON'T YOU SHAVE.

WHY?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the other hand, I've been entertaining thoughts in my life that I shouldn't :p :D

ehehehehhehehehehe :x. They are oh so enjoyable.

My life isn't slowing anytime soon.

Sometimes all you need to do is stand back and try to understand the person that's trying to cause conflict with you.


Sometimes when you do that, you stop being sad, or angry and begin to realize that maybe you're the one that's better off, and the one that's much more mature.


But I think it's sad when you're more mature and well adjusted than someone more than twice your age.

I took off the facebook link that I had because I want to spend more time being open and bitching about whatever I want. I don't have to sensor myself to my audience anymore. Most of my friends have this blog and I don't give a shit who else reads it. If you're that dedicated then I guess you can hear me whine.

I guess I'm angry because I feel a bit lied to. But if you don't have the balls to be upfront then it is what it is. But it was dying anyway, so I don't really mind at all. But being lied to just makes me super angry. But that can be dealt with accordingly.

Also, in the past year basically I think I've found that I've really burnt out from giving a damn. I really just don't give a damn anymore. I suppose it's also because there are a lot of other things happening in my life right now. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't really feel bitter, I just don't care. If it happens it happens.

Walking into the working world has also has really boosted my confidence. I feel like I regained a lot of what I lost. Now I find that I don't give a flying shit what people think because I feel really good about myself.

I wish I had free time, but I don't.

I feel like every minute of my time I'm doing something...whether it's going to work, doing stuff for work, doing homework, at class, etc etc. I feel like there's almost no time for anything because all my time has been sucked up by things I need to do. And there's no time for things I want to do..:(.

I am POSTING WHORE.

I wish I had the free time to read, it would be really nice. Garg, especially to read my loser books, that I oh so love.

Oh Raistlin! How I would love to read about you!

wow i am a dumbass. garg.

I'm depriving myself until I get this shit accomplished.

I had a dream I was totally badass, it rocked.

I want to gym, I feel disgusting.
My life has been so hectic as of late, I can't wait til it gets to be in a more regular schedule.

I now have a place to live, and my second job is starting to taper off and I will be done with it soon. So, things are getting settled. Soon I won't have too much to worry about and can go kendo regularly as well as go work out, I'm excited about that.

For now I'll suffer through the disgusting fat feeling I have.

Sometimes I get into those moods where I'd just like to be in love, with no one in particular. Just for the sake of being in love. But there's just so much going on right now that it doesn't seem like it's a likely to happen soon.

But wouldn't it be nice? Nice to have those warm fuzzy feelings. Nice to wake up in the morning knowing that someone special loves you, to be able to have retarded conversations on the phone and know that the person enjoys them as much as you do. To do sweet random things for someone, just because. To be able to lie there and do nothing and enjoy someone's company. To feel their embrace, their kisses, and body warmth. To have someone to have adventures with, and to laze around and do nothing with, to share your day with, the simple gripes and the not so simple ones. Someone who can grow with you, and walk alongside you.


I'd like to fall in love with someone and no one in particular.

Perhaps this is the feeling of loneliness.

No bbq in my weekend :(. Would have been nice to stoff my face YOM.


Anyway, a few things off my checklist have been dealt with there's still more but I'm getting through it. Once I can get the major issues settled, I think I'll be a relatively happy camper.


Things have been rough, but usually when things get very hard you begin to realize in some ways how you are lucky. Possibly it's just a defense mechanism, to help you recuperate, but I think in some ways it's also a reality check.

In the end, I realize that I miss having all my friends at Berkeley like a block away from me.

Passive Aggressiveness

I cannot stand passive aggressiveness. You can be bitchy, vulgar, rude, whatever takes your fancy. But I really dislike passive aggressiveness. I am not a passive aggressive person, I will not try and sugar coat anything for the sake of not hurting your fucking ego unless something catastrophic has happened in your life.

If you want to eat my cake, then say you want to eat it. If I haven't already offered it, then if I wanted to give you some I'll say yes, if I don't, I will say no. If you don't want to watch a movie then say it. Because if you say you're going to watch it, then you're going to sit down and suck it up and watch it and NOT complain about how much it sucked because you didn't say you didn't want to watch it.

I also dislike guilt tripping. It doesn't affect me more often than not. If I was gonna feel sorry, I would have felt sorry. If I'm not I won't. If I'm gonna say yes, I would have already said yes. I don't waver very often.

I'm just tired of having to deal with so much shit.

YEY NON EMO POST.

My life is kind of sucking right now. BUT I got my endorphins so I'm all happy now :D. I'm chipper and cheery like I normally am. WOOHOO. I guess this is what happens when you sit on your ass for like a month and a half after doing a shit load of exercise for like...a year and a half..

ANYWAY, this weekend is going to awesome-tastic.

So let's draw out my weekend in pictures!Woohoo!



Sexay hair with blurred out face. Yes, I think my face is going to be blurred out too.




Yey boat paddling!


This picture speaks for itself.

AND finally...



HELLO BABY! BBQ

That is all :D

I think I've finally just gotten tired and stopped really giving a fuck.

Wow, it feels kind of good.

Why am I trying so hard to make this work?

I really enjoy eating cheese with bread and honey. Alone each of them don't taste that great but together, it's amazing.

Wait, let me bitch and moan a little more.

Looking for housing in Berkeley, fucking sucks.

I guess it'd be slightly entertaining to tell the story of my housing adventures.


So today, Ani and I went to go see a very small studio and a room share which is basically me renting a room in a house. Of course the studio is up teh butt crowded by students trying to find a friggen place to live, and thus has a freakin waiting list of applicants. So I leave my info and go off to see this room in some house that's in a relatively decent location.

So, this guy opens the door. Mind that Ani and are talking and about to ring the doorbell and this guy opens the door before I can even ring the doorbell. I can be loud but I definitely wasn't there. Then, this creepy looking guy is standing there waiting for us to come in. This guy is probably in his 50s I would think. The man's presence is something like the presence that Severus Snape from Harry Potter commands, creepy, angry and not tolerating of anything that doesn't follow his standards. He goes on and tells me more logistics about the apartment all while making Ani and I feel as though we shouldn't be there. I have nothing to say because I'm SCARED of this man, so I just say that I'll think about it and send him an email.

But honestly, the only thing that I really wanted to do was get the hell out of there! How the hell could anyone live with him without feeling as they shouldn't exist or in fear? O.O.....I have no idea.

At that point I discover Ani is also afraid of that man, and that I am now traumatized and will not live in a house with people over 30. Also, I am now more than willing to live in a studio..and pay the extra cash over a room share...

>.<

Moral of the story? Looking for housing in Berkeley fucking sucks.

Yet another post about how much coding sucks. I have no idea how I'm going to accurately test this.


NO IDEA.....

I don't think I could ever be a computer science researcher, or maybe just in the field of EE. This shit sucks. It's boring.

SUCKS.

I can't wait til it's over.

We shall see. hom.

"This *is* me taking control; from Sloan, from the fraternity, from Janis, billing reports, ergonomic keyboards, from cheating girlfriends and sack of shit best friends. This is me taking back control of my life." -Wesley Gibson, Wanted

This is me taking back my life.

I'm tired of this prison. It's time to break out.

------------------------------

If you lie to me, I will always find out the truth. I'd rather you be honest and straightforward, than try to cover shit up or try to be nice about something.

Honesty goes a long way. Even if it hurts I will respect you for it. Covering shit up or lying will only piss me the fuck off.

I don't understand it at all, I don't think I will. I don't think I'm supposed to. This shouldn't be anything, it shouldn't mean anything.

But for the first time in my life, I don't want to give up.

I want it to be real.

I feel like this is worth trying for.

I will fight.

Maybe this is what I needed.

The hot flowing emotions from the gateway to my soul,
My frustration, love, anger, pain, happiness, life
This is everything and nothing,
My existence, the most real an emotion will ever be

Do you see these flowing tears,
These are the emotions, that I can't put into words
This pain is an intensity I can not begin to explain
This happiness I cannot express,
Can you taste the bitter taste of saddness, pain, and frustration?
Or the salty sweet of happiness and love?

These tears I hold back,
I hold back because they are the emotions I fear
They are the ones that break out of the prison I keep them in.
They are everything that I cannot let be.

They are the quiet burdens that I carry,
The secrets that I hold so dear,
The hopes and dreams that I dare not say,
They are the part of me that I am afraid to let be seen


Do you see them?
These parts of me I cannot hide anymore.

sink sink sink. burn.

ouch.

Actually that's just a reminder for me, but... this is a good song.

(12:49:56 PM) SEREN obsessed: so i'm really special
(12:49:59 PM) Me: ?
(12:50:02 PM) SEREN obsessed: and reading an effing article
(12:50:05 PM) SEREN obsessed: in wikihow
(12:50:12 PM) SEREN obsessed: entiteld "how to know if a guy likes you"
(12:50:16 PM) Me: lol
(12:50:20 PM) SEREN obsessed: THEY'RE MENTIONING RECESS AND FUCKING HOMEWORK
(12:50:26 PM) Me: lol
(12:50:26 PM) SEREN obsessed: THIS SHIT IS FOR MIDDLE/ HIGH SCHOOL
(12:50:29 PM) Me: LOL
(12:50:33 PM) SEREN obsessed: WHAT THE FUFUUCUCJCK
(12:50:36 PM) Me: can i quote you
(12:50:37 PM) Me: lol
(12:50:46 PM) SEREN obsessed: "if he invites you to his birthday party or any kind of party"
(12:50:47 PM) SEREN obsessed: what the shit.
(12:50:54 PM) Me: lol
(12:50:58 PM) SEREN obsessed: sure i guess
(12:51:01 PM) Me: then it means he wants people todrink with
(12:51:02 PM) Me: ahha
(12:51:32 PM) SEREN obsessed: wow: must be high school: If he talks to you and wants to know how you're doing,
(12:51:38 PM) Me: OMG
(12:51:40 PM) Me: LOL
(12:51:43 PM) Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
(12:52:05 PM) SEREN obsessed: here'se even better
(12:52:05 PM) SEREN obsessed: If he asks you to dance with him at the dance. Note: He may be trying to be nice because he thinks you like him. But if you are at a middle school dance, he's probably too vain and self centered of a fraidy cat, so he probably
(12:52:35 PM) Mes: lol
(12:52:37 PM) Mes: ......
(12:52:43 PM) SEREN obsessed: ummyeah
(12:52:46 PM) SEREN obsessed: why am i still reading this

oh roommate you are hilarious. For reference here is the link to what she's talking about.

http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-a-Guy-Likes-You

No update yet, I'm lazy.

Anyway, I think its time for me to make a sacrifice. A sacrifice for the greater good of my body.
I'm gonna eat VEGGIES, wait I was supposed to that before. I think that when I get some time I'm gonna work on creating a vegetarian dish a week...SURPRISE SUPRISE.it'd probably be something thats not that healthy knowing me...

Dundundundundundun.

In two weeks..when I get settled into a new place... finding housing in berkeley is the biggest bitch ever.


Cheese honey and bread are divine however I must say.

Oh yeah remember how I said I was going to give my brain a blueberry buffet? I totally bought a bunch of blueberries to eat.

Gar Gar Gar. I will post about my birthday later, but for now I'm going to complain.

GARG It's gyming time now I guess that I have free time.

It's amazing the difference free time makes in terms of taking care of yourself, and making sure that you're fit and not eating horribly being a blob and sleep deprived.

In other words, it makes you happy, and healthy.

Ninja Gaiden is crack.

Dun dun dun I'm 22!

I love my DS, it is the best thing since sliced bread. I love my ps3 and my ps2, but it's just not as portable as my DS. Plus...since there are people living in the living room I can't play it til hell breaks.


DS <3 <3


I bought myself two cakes. Why? Because...I really wanted a korean cake :p and... the other one is a hungarian cake.

I'M SUPER EXCITED. yomyom cake!

I'm also curious as to how today will pan out o.O. But I wouldn't mind just rolling around in bed :D and playing DS and getting out of bed and playing ps3. It would be glorious!

But I have to do laundry :(.

Some days the only thing you want to do is stay in your room and do nothing.

I've been feeling slightly anti-social as of late.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I need to go to the gym, I need to go to the gym, I need to go to the gym. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm feeling like a big huge blob that has not had enough physical activity. Dear GOD, I need to excercise.

Oy, this is what happens when you get deprived I guess.

I will NOT let anything fuck this up. I will NOT. I don't care what I have to do.

There's more behind this intricately planned play than what you think. But I don't think anyone will believe the truth.

I hate math, tonight I will eat a giant plate of spaghetti and hot links. Yes hotlinks, I'd much rather have beef, but I need to get rid of those friggen hotlinks.

I am doing math until my eyes bleed. On another note. Carnival games or the DS is kind of fun, it brings back childhood memories. Although I don't think those childhood memories are the kind any child should have..

GAR SAVE ME FROM THE PAIN OF SCHOOL.

Thursday and Friday seemed to balance each other out. Thursday was HORRIBLE. Friday was AWESOME.

Then woohoo Connie and Annie time! <3. Nothing like Jacuzzis and wine + delicious cake. Plus I think going to Connie's made my Chinese better.

Aww more friend time <3

I just realized how much I miss my friends.

:(

They are the most awesome people ever. Ahhhhhhh I <3 my friends.

Let me crawl into a hole and die NOW. At least then I'd get some mother fucking sleep.

It's been about 3 days since I had a real dinner. Wait, I kind of had one tonight.

The last night. For this week. Unfortunately that makes it four days..out of seven. This seems to be the reoccurring theme of my summer. Sleep deprivation. There is no enthusiasm in this post. Why? Because the only thing keeping me awake right now is the fact that I am sitting at the kitchen table, doing homework. And I have been since about 9pm.

Sleep tonight? Probably not. But I took a nice 3.5 hour nap well more like 3, and I got a good..maybe little more than 6 hours last night.

In a few weeks this will all be over, but all the same, I need to really just learn to SUCK IT UP. I can stand a couple more weeks of sleep deprivation. I have all the time in the world to sleep after that. So I have to just suck it up now so I can do well on my midterms. Then sleep and catch up on work. I did it before 3 years ago, I can do it again now. It's funny because then I would also sit at the kitchen table at night doing homework. I thought that not doing kendo would give me more time to sleep. It totally didn't. In fact I'm even more sleep deprived. I just study and work more...

I'm so glad my interview on Friday is at 2:30pm. It gives me A LOT more time to sleep. Things are looking up for that, so I hope all goes well. But if that works out, I've got a few other things to worry about like:

1) Where do I live? I'm thinking maybe Berkeley still, but then so expensive and I can find nicer cheaper places in other places..
2) How the hell am I going to drop the bomb on my parents who believe that I'm going to come home take a break and work? Ahaha...I'm afraid of this.
3) All that other good stuff that comes with becoming a productive member of society, which may not really be so awesome.


But none of that is going to happen if I don't continue studying.

So to my brain I say, Go little one go! I know there's not much there but you can do it! I'll eat lots of blueberries over the weekend to make you happy. You just have to suck it up now! Blueberry buffet yey!!!

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME I DIDN'T HAVE TO TRY TO GET FORTY HOURS OF WORK DONE?!?!?!?!?!?!
FUCKING A.


I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO STRESSED OUT.

aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.

I need sleep. I ALWAYS need sleep...I won't be GETTING sleep til Thursday night.

As of today, it's over.

Walk out of it, because you're never walking back into it.

And it feels so fucking good.

"But I want you to know, if you weren't such a bitch, we'd feel sorry for you. I do feel sorry for you. But as it stands, the way you behave - I feel I can speak for the entire office when I tell you...go fuck yourself. " -Wanted

Why is it so expensive to exist and be human?

Argh I need monies! Argh..... I need to fill out my time sheet >.<.

Wow, I've been doing it wrong my whole life. That's funny, I guess now at least I know what I've been doing wrong. But knowing that I see it completely differently. I think life just became a little bit easier.

I think that this time I'm ready. I'm gonna do it right this time around.

It totally makes sense now..ahaha wow! NO WONDER. wowowowowowowoww.

Okay I don't like to generally be overly open about my personal beliefs, but for the sake for whoever reads my journal. Here are some nice facts about me. Actually they're more like rants, really whiny ones so beware.

Most of the time when I am writing about something or someone I use a friggen metaphor, so what you think it's about it's probably not about that.

I do not believe in dojo-cest. If you are in my dojo, you are like my FAMILY. Maybe at one time I did, but I really do not believe in it anymore. You live, you learn. This is what I've learned. I'm so tired of people suggesting I date my dojomates, or my dojomates thinking I like them. Wait let me make this even clearer, if you own a zekken says Berkeley/Oakland on the top, then I do NOT have romantic feelings for you. Do NOT. And if I did they do not exist at all anymore. If you want me to listen to your girl problems, or try to set you up on a date, I'll GLADLY try. This is something that is REALLY frustrating me.

To my friends, if I seem really MIA I'm sorry I'm just insanely busy :(. I really miss you guys and want to see you, there's just so much going on in my life. I promise once it calms down I'll spend more time with you guys. I'm doing my best.


--------------------------------------------------
Finally deciding to take a break I think is keeping me sane. Although I'll miss it, I know that it's okay. I need this time to get my shit together and get things done. I also need it to recuperate from everything. I'm way more stressed out than I need to be.

Gar I don't remember the last time I got more than 4 hrs.

Man I need sleep.

It's time to take a hiatus from the things that I spend the most time with.

You gotta do what you gotta do... or at least cut out some and cut down others.

This series made me into a fucking gamer. No lie.

Sometimes I really hate the way my emotions cloud my sphere of judgement. You know you shouldn't take anything to heart but sometimes it's really hard not to.

One) I have to work harder, what was given to me can be used. I just have to make the tools for it.

Two) It's much harder to run away when you know what you have to lose. I find myself having to come to terms with what I used to not really have to before. I also find myself willing to push my own boundaries to achieve these goals. I really want it, yet I feel like it's so difficult.

I find myself understanding the perspective I never did before. I am closer to what I want and yet I feel so far away.

I genuinely hope for once that it goes my way.

The apple never falls far from the tree.

So, I've realized that I've grown as a person :D. It makes me happy to realize this. It means I'm one step closer to finding that one thing that I've been wanting so much. Yey!

Anyway, it's going to be a fun friend social weekend! Yey I'm SUPEEEERRRRR EXCITED.

I want it more than anything else. But I can only have it if you do too.

There's something to be said about killing things in video games that makes people happy. It's been a while since I blew something up.

Sometimes you just need a second outlet.

Sometimes video games do just the thing.

Damn it feels good.

This is not about me and you, this is about me. This is about me, my progression, and my desire for it. If I'm always looking out at who's coming after me when will I ever give myself time to fight.

Three years ago.

3 years ago.

Perhaps it's time for me to let it go. We don't talk anymore, I don't think you could even call us friends. I thought that we had a strong friendship, but I was proven entirely wrong.

I remember very clearly, the one day and the one line you told me. The one mocking line. The one line that still to this day will be the one thing I remember about you. You didn't believe that I would stick with it, you didn't think that it was something I really loved and cared about.

I knew better then.

Three years later. I have done more than you ever did in twice that time.

---------------------------

I'm on a mission. I don't know how I'm going to get this done, but I will.

Love Love

So I gave in. I gave into my temptations and let myself have a taste of a very sexy sexy thing. A PS3. There was a MGS4 bundle that was 40 dollars more than buying the 40 gig bundle with a game. Hell yes, I'm going to get the bundle. for 40 more dollars, I get backward compatibility, 40 more gigs of space, and a few more nifty features, so hell fucking yes, I am going to dish out that extra forty dollars, for all the extras I get with it.

Let me tell you that the graphics are amazing. I love it. It wins.

Whoever said you can't buy happiness with money is a crock of shit. Just kidding. But the happiness it's bought me is pretty damn nice.

I want it more than I am willing to admit.

I would have never imagined that being on the verge of giving up would take me much closer to being where I wanted to go than working at it.

I finally just let myself go with it instead of against it.

We'll see. Good or bad.

I want it so badly.
I want it so much that I want to cry.
Because I want it so much that it hurts.
There's nothing that I can do but show my hunger
my determination, my desire.

I want it so much I will show you my soul.
I feel it burning inside of me.
It's going to explode soon.

MY PROBLEM SET JUST GOT PUSHED BACK TO MONDAY!!!!
It was due Thursday which meant I had to do it earlier since I am doing nationals...but since my instructor got sick and couldn't come to class Monday (which I conveniently slept through because I was feeling sick) it got pushed to Friday, and since I assume that's 4th of July it got pushed to Monday!


HALLELUJAH!

Okay back to doing the current problem set..which I will be scanning..and then PACKING FOR NATIONALS!!!

When you take off the rose colored glasses you've been wearing, you find that you're sitting in a seat you no longer recognize.

Everything changes.

It's not playtime anymore.

This is for you,
you helped me get where I am.
I never told you that when I started,
I was trying to get myself out of something else
I found comfort in this,
And it has become part of me,
I will get it.
No excuses.

They will see it. My fire. My spirit.

And it will be like nothing they've ever seen.

This is for you.

I am a window.
Dammit.

8 am classes fucking suck. That is all.

Ughhhhh so tired...

It's time to stop trusting my doubts and start trusting myself.
I was never one to be afraid to get down and dirty.
I've always been able to hold my own.
I know what it is that I have to face, and I am ready to face it.
I'm done being afraid, I'm ready to go.
I will command respect.

It's time to rock it.

Game on.

More Random things I want to say to People.

Don't ask who I won't say.

I find you intriguing. I genuinely want to know more. The more I learn the more curious I get. I feel like it's this hunger that I can't quench. Maybe I'm being a fool, but I don't care it's been a long time since I've been intrigued like this.

I miss you. I wish we could be friends. Why did you disappear...? Why do you always disappear, and I just keep on trying? I just have this hope that we can be good friends.

If you ever did it, I would say yes. Actions not words. People lie.

I do think it's sad that we're not friends anymore, but I forgive you. Being friends again however is a different story.

I'm glad we started talking again, but it's weird since we used to be so close and now we have our own lives.

You're so adorable.

You're so weird, I LOVE it. Your quirks make you awesome. I want you.

I miss the way things used to be. Maybe it's not truth now, but it will become truth in time if it continues this way. I don't appreciate it.

I miss the way things used to be. A lot.

Are you lying? Or are you telling the truth. I wonder.

Thank you for making me who I am.

You have had an amazing impact on my life. I hope you know this. I'm glad to have met you.

I hope you are who I think you are. I genuinely do. But I'm afraid of it too.

I feel like it begins and ends in the same place. I wonder what surprises are in store. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

One.

For almost everything in our lives this is true: We are always looking for one. By one I don't mean "the one" but that is part of it I suppose. But when you think about it it's true. You want to find one person to spend your life with, the right person. The right job, that career that's just meant to you. We have one bed (or at least we generally do), one family that you create, one home. And by home I mean where your heart is not where you're living. Or at least this is something you genuinely believe. Ahaha, in my world, you have one kendo dojo, one first physical affection anything. One first love, one true love, one soulmate, which may or not be one in the same. There are just so many things in our lives that we want, have and are looking for one, the right one.

These past few days I spent in Lodi/Sacramento. I drove a lot by myself and it gave me a lot of time to think to myself. I have for as long as I can remember grown up and lived in a major metropolitan city. Los Angeles, San Francisco Bay area. Texas doesn't count I was two when I left. Lodi is a small town, it doesn't even have a mall, it doesn't have bordering cities the way I'm used to them. I spent time in Santa Cruz too but I think that was a bit different since it was a summer program :p. Anyway, it's a different feeling, it's almost more homey but at the same time it's empty. It's a warm kind of feeling you get, not cold like LA can be. But when it's where you grow up you get used to it, you learn to walk the walk, to talk the talk. It was also then that I realized that in life you end up where you want to be ultimately, and where home is isn't the city that's there, but where your heart is. I think I could spend the rest of my life in a small town if everyone I cared and loved was there. Where you are doesn't matter, it's what you love that does.

I also thought about myself. I'm really weird, not always politically correct, not the most tactful person, not always appropriate, loud,impulsive,can be very airy and slow,can worry too much among so many other things,but fuck I love myself.
Because despite all of my flaws, despite how much public humiliation I will bring you, how many times you will bow your head in shame and pretend not to know me, if I consider you a good friend, I will do everything in my power to be the best friend that I can to you.

I don't say that lightly, and anyone who knows me well can attest to this.

It's who I am, it's how I operate, and I enjoy being me. I remember what it was like to feel like to lose everything, and have to build it back up. I remember what it was like to be so insecure that I woke up doubting myself. That was a miserable feeling.

I know that I will never return to that feeling. I know that life can never be that bad anymore.

We are who we are.

Respect is one thing.

Public opinion is another.

I've learned that once you stop giving a shit about the latter, you gain more of the former. Those who can't respect that aren't worth the thought. Those who care too much about the latter aren't either.

And those who can see past it all, are worth everything in this world and the next.

Lodi, Sacramento, and my first rental car!

So I'm typing away from Lauren's family's computer. As some of you know I'm visiting her for her birthday! I planned to try and visit sometime here anyway so I figured you know, HEY! why not during her birthday and go to a Tuesday practice :). So that's what I did. It took me more than 3 hours to get here....considering it was my first time driving myself up the highways here, well..unless you count Fresno which I suppose you could. It was my first time. It was also my first time alone driving so far! I only got lost once too!!! :D. But jesus traffic SUCKS.

Anyway once I got here dropped off my stuff, got settled a bit, I went to dinner and had cake with Lauren's family. It was nice :). I really enjoy her family. They're super nice and fun! Aww :). I also caught up a bit with Lauren and heard lots of stories about stuff :p. And a wonderful tour of Lodi! Hahahaha her parents really are hilarious! Anyway, this place is totally the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!

I forgot some things though :(. So I have to go and pick them up tomorrow :(. I'm looking forward to playing tomorrow :).


Happy birthday Lauren!!!

A piece of Me

When I began this blog, it was not my intention for it to become a jumbled mass of words. Where as for art content that may not be such a bad thing, for those who are reading this I feel it does not do them justice.

I also feel that reading and writing blogs it's too easy to paint a picture of a person that may or may not be accurate. As people we have a tendency to pick out qualities that we desire to see and create a portrait of that person. In this we begin to create a false image of the person we see and who they are as people. This does not do the person justice. But it's inevitable. It is human nature to judge, and to make assumptions based off what we know. To say otherwise I believe is self righteous, because on the most basic level it's what we humans do to survive. I could go on a long drawn out rant about this but I'll spare you.

As of late I've been feeling that my entries have just been a jumbled mass of incoherent words. I've been writing too much, god knows what and too little of what I genuinely think.

It is too easy as a person to try and hide what it is that you feel through a mask of artistic words. I don't think it's so simple to just throw up your feelings in a clear way. And so I feel as though what I have been writing is not representative of myself. While I don't think it's appropriate to spill my secrets for the whole world to see, I also don't believe it's true to myself to try to make everything a secret.

A friend once said, "I try to be as open with my writing as possible, in order to not care about what people think of me, I really have to just put myself out there."

I believe this is true.

There you go... a blog about blogging.

If I could I would.
And I would if
I could RIGHT NOW.
You have NO idea.

Piano

I play the piano.
I do not play for the audience.
I do not play for the praise.
I play for myself.

To some the notes are harsh and heavy.
To some it is too soft, too light.
For some it is the perfect sound.

The critics will rant.
The audience may clap.
It is no concern of mine.

I play these notes.
My fingers blend with the keys.
My emotions, my soul, my existence becomes the melody.

This song is mine and mine alone.

Enjoy :).

And I will.

It will be glorious!

The truth always becomes evident in time. It's funny how things that seem plausible are in reality not, and things that don't seem plausible at all become plausible.

It's nothing, and it's something.
I want it to be more than just rose colored glasses.

Please, just let me survive this.

That is all I ask.

How much can the soul be tempered?

there is so much she'd say
but she knows the words die on her lips
because the soft mass of emotions inside her
is trying to run away,
and her eyes don't have the courage
is it fear or is it shyness?
she doesn't know.

she knows that doing nothing won't get her anywhere
but her heart refuses to follow the rules of her mind
when she tries, she stumbles on her words
and her mind goes blank
is it stupidity?
and she contemplates all the things
that she knows she will never do.

she tries to pretend
that its not what they think it is
but she knows they know just as well as she
and she tries to pretend that she doesn't care
even though she knows that they know she does
but as long as she doesn't say they will never know
or so she tells herself

and all it takes is a smile to make her day
and a few words to make her glow
but she wonders, and she tells herself
that its nothing more than a one way ticket to dreamland
and the excuses flood in, to lessen the blow
that she's afraid of receiving

because she's convinced it's not gonna leave dreamland
and she's afraid of receiving that blow,
and so she wonders,
why all it takes is a few words to make her glow
and why she's still smiling
why she still stumbles on her words
why her heart won't follow the rules her mind has set out
why she's still making excuses,

if she's so afraid of receiving that blow,
that will knock her out of dreamland.

I don't understand I don't think I ever will.
Gar it's so frustrating.
It's okay, just gotta go with it.

HELLOOOOOOO boredom!

I'm going do one of these myspace things on my blog....because im waiting for my drama to get to the place i left off at. Stupid computer.

How many boyfriend/girlfriends did you have this year?
eh none :(



What teacher do you hate the most?
ahahaha um.....my math professors :)





What was your favorite thing that happened this year?
getting on team







What was your favorite class?
none they all sucked





Are you glad this year's almost over?
its not.



What are you looking forward to this upcoming school year?

i don't really have anymore after summer...so n/a



Are you moving schools?
no






Are you still best friends with the same person as the beginning of the year?
have been for many





Did you lose any friends?
kind of





Did you make any friends?
yes, lots :)




Are you glad you made more friends?
mmmhmmm




Are you failing any classes?
done with classes atm



Do you think next year will be better?
eh i don't wanna think about it





Do you think things will be different now that you're getting older?
yes, quarter life crisis anyone?





Favorite lunch food?
hamburg, or sashimi





Did you cheat this year on a test?
no, cause you know itd get me kicked outta school




What teachers, if any, are you going to miss?
i have no emotional attachments to my profs

i think this survey is for hs students




Was this your favorite year?
no maybe one of the worst










What was your biggest struggle this year?
being slapped in the face by reality......repeatedly.

Dun Dun since I have time I think I will... CULTIVATE MY CHINESE AND LITERARY SKILLS... all three weeks of time when I'm not kendo-ing and working...yey!

I'm kind of bummed. But it happens ya?

Just gotta get it done and deal with it.

It happens, and maybe its better this way.

It's not what you think it is.
You'd be surprised.
But I'm still curious.

Let's try a different flavor.

Everything just seems so impossible right now.
:(

I'm thinking too much like a college student.

God dammit, my plan is going to fail.

It makes me SO SAD.

AGGGGGHHHHHH.

Oh well, time to figure something else out.

Sometimes I think it's too much work,
but hey you gotta do what you gotta do right?

God, I feel like I got hit by a freakin truck. Arghhhh from Sunday practice my hip is KILLING ME and my right arm near the elbow has a bruise. Not as bad as Sac kyoka renshu where I felt like I was gonna die afterwards because half my body was bruised up, but damn its definitely one of the worst. Arghh.

:(.

I want to eat fruit.

dammit and i don't have any...:(

It's been a while.
But it's inevitable.
It's just me.
We'll see.

Float on.

"Excuse me, do you like pineapple?"

If anyone ever uses that pick up line on me, and knows where it's from, I would date them just for the sole reason that they know where it's from.

Ahhhhhhhh <3.

I'm not good at this.
But I keep trying anyway.
Drug me up and take me home.

I'm so sick and tired
of all these things
that drag me down
I've got no where to go
they say that life
is in these hands
you give everything
you give yourself away you give
and still you choke
and find yourself running for the door

come and take me
home
lead me to your door
take me where you are
lead me to your door
at least just for a while

its some kind of life
forever days
we're in the cold
unfamiliar way
so take this fear
and fade it out
it won't make me sad
cause I get sentimental lord
in other ways
and I don't want to let me down here anymore

so come and take me home
lead me to your door
take me where you are
lead me to your door
and let me in
just let me in
and let me leave
just let me leave this world
come on now let me leave this world
at least just for a while

-Dishwalla "Home"

Four years. Four years has passed by so quickly. Four years ago, I was the cocky, chubby girl who thought she could take on anything. A girl who thought she'd end up in academia and do research and professor for the rest of her life. A girl who hated the city she came from and did everything in her power to get out. A girl who wanted to become fluent in Spanish, study abroad in Spain, possibly major in Political Science and Computer Science and become an activist in Berkeley.

Four Years later. Four years later I have become a Applied Math major, went to study in Taiwan, and spent two years studying Chinese and can understand it better than I could ever understand Spanish. I have learned to accept my own heritage and be proud of who I am and where I come from. I have learned to appreciate the people in my life, and love my friends. I have become more socially adept, more secure with myself, and become some what obsessed with exercise and eating right.

In the here and now, I have created a community for myself. A comfortable bubble that is all my own. With most things in life that I want. Yet, within a few weeks all of this will completely pass me by. All my friends will be going their separate ways, some to grad schools, some to work in other places, some returning home, and what not. I have a summer left but the Berkeley that I know and love will no longer exist. It is the people that have created this community for me, these people who are leaving to pursue their own lives.

At first I failed to accept this, then I became bitter, and now I am not sure how I feel. I am left to pursue my own path, yet I am not completely sure what it is that I am seeking. I know however, that after these few weeks my life will completely change. I have been through the college transition, I am walking into the real world. I'm not sure if I'm ready. Whether I stay in the bay area, or superficially stay here, or move back to Los Angeles, and how that will affect me I'm not sure.

I suppose it is that my world doesn't feel so stable anymore. At the same time, knowing this I feel oddly free. I can do anything... I can take time to travel, I can take up whatever job that I want to take up. I'm free to explore and take on the world. It's an odd feeling. With so many options what do I do with myself?

I feel as though I have everything and nothing in the palm of my hands right now. It feels almost like a dream, completely surreal.

It's a weird feeling I have right now. It's a weird place I'm in.

Perhaps this is my precursor to the real world and I have begun searching for that sense of home that we all so desperately desire to find.

i hate finals
i hate math
i hate studying

god i am always miserable during finals

Apparently all you have to do to pick out my taste in guys is pick out the most girlish looking ones in a crowd.

Even if I don't think they look girlish I guess a prerequisite for me to be attracted to you is for you to look at least somewhat girlish.


Argh!

Even though I totally don't believe Andrew(YES ANDREW YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS) he says that testosterone manifests itself in ways other than physical appearance.

All the physical ways that testosterone would manifest itself in someone physically is definitely not applicable to me. I don't really smell(minus the putrid bogu smell after kendo but thats more the bogu than me..), I'm not hairy, I don't really get acne, I don't produce huge amounts of oil on my face and hair, etc etc...

On that note my face is getting gross...argghhh I guess that means its time to get extra super healthy with the eating.

Hom..

So today I was doing a phone interview for a company in Palo Alto, and they asked me about kendo! If anyone knows what it is then they automatically get ++ points with me. Anyone who knows me definitely knows that. Anyway, apparently one of my interviewers is interested in starting kendo, and going into it. I mentioned that there was a dojo in Palo Alto. If he ends up starting that would be AWESOME. I love having more people in kendo, and encouraging people who are interested to start it.

It makes me warm inside ^_^.


Okay..back to this monster thing I call studying.

Soooo I'm officially done with TWO classes!

Let's just hope the results are pretty.

Anyway, one left.. the one I have the most time to study for, the one I need to pull a miracle in. And the one which had the most inconvenient midterms of the WHOLE semester.

After next Monday however, I will be FREE. It will be summer, I start work on the 27th and I will be free to practice kendo as much as I need to, do extra workouts on the side, and NOT STUDY until the end of June...

YES!!!!

I will get in shape not be poor and possibly have a car..

Just gotta survive!

I am planning however to get a new wardrobe..once I get paid... it's about damn time.

I fucked up my test. But I played pretty well today during the shiai matches.

I think I'm starting to notice that I'm getting better.In fact I won more matches than I lost. So that means I'm getting better...somehow hahaha or maybe I just didn't really play opponents that were that challenging..or having off days.. I'm not sure.

But I fucking suck relative to NCKF team...still.

I did however fuck up my feet. I kinda cramped my left big toe and one of the toes on my right foot was bleeding, I didn't even notice til someone told me. Eh it'll be okay by Tuesday. I hope.

Sometimes you find that things you thought would be easy to avoid, are actually rather difficult. I suppose somethings are just inevitable.

If I walk into it without a mission, then I'll just float along.

Maybe floating isn't such a bad thing....

We'll see what happens.

I need more female friends, female friends that like to go out.

So I can go to clubs and not bars.

AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH :(.


Oh female friends where are you!

It is almost 6 am. I have been working on 169 for a while now. I want sleep.

Once upon a time I could do all nighters. Now they just fuck me up.

Ugh, I'm jaded from being tired.

I want to curl up into a ball and crawl into a hole and stay there.

God, I miss my bed.

我要認識你。
讓我認識你可以碼?
這件事好麻煩。
但是我要聽你的故事。

It just seems like a corner and a tissue box is the place to be these days for me.

I wonder... but I think that's just me being cynical.

It's crunch time! Ugh, the worst time of the semester. I'm gonna need some sanity checks soon...

But a few things:

My last name is not Kim.
I can't wait until the semester is over because NO MORE ANTHRO. God that class sucks.
I'm not looking forward to finals.
I'm not looking forward to Session C.
I am especially not looking forward to job hunting...
BUT I CAN'T WAIT TIL THESE NEXT TWO WEEKS ARE OVER!

getting tubby..need to work out.


and eat less.


poop. i hate this body thing.



oh magic metabolism where are you.

kendo is going to suck next week because i am out of fucking shape.

In less than 6 hours I now hate life :(.

God life you love to toy with me.


Argh..

It's actually a job! Yahooo!!!!

Oh life I <3 you!

Bubble

It's 5:30am in the morning, I haven't done my math homework yet, and I don't have class til 3pm later today so I have the leisure of being a night owl.


I'm almost graduating and I've been thinking. Thinking about a lot of things. Berkeley is a bubble, to say the least. Everyone you will meet here, for the most part, is very intelligent. The average kid more likely than not was probably his class valedictorian, in fact I think more people I've met than not were. They probably did sports, did well in school, and did extra everything on the side. That's just how it is. But when that's the average joe, you get used to it, and you realize that you're not so special kiddo. You're just like everybody else here. Your once gigantic ego deflates, and you realize you're nothing special in this pond. You get used to it.

When you leave this wonderful little bubble and start talking to people who don't live in your happy land of pretentious, workaholic, egotistical oddly perfectionist people everyone you meet thinks you're a genius. And you think, thanks kiddo I'm really not, I'm just like everybody else.

Now I'm going to graduate, and I realize I'm leaving this happy little bubble of mine, where everyone is insanely distinguished and most of my professors are genuises who have won some prestigious prize or two in their lifetime.

No I'm not trying to brag that I went to some great school yadda yadda ya. Because being good at academics means you're loosing out somewhere else, sometimes it's something essential, like social awareness, or not being socially inept, or something that most people learn, but these kids really haven't or something is just not working up there, something has got to be missing. That's just the way it is. It comes with the territory.

And before you tear me apart for my broad overarching stereotypes that probably don't apply to everyone just listen.

When all is said and done at the end of the day, after every employer you've ever met is impressed because you were smart enough to get into some school, and expects you to be a complete and utter genius.

You begin to wonder, and you've long forgotten, what is it like out there in the real world?

It's then that everything hits you square in the face.

You've been living in a huge bubble for the past 4 years of your life. Not only that, the real world is about having more on your shoulders than just a big brain. You won't get that far if you're just relying on that.

And suddenly the world becomes a very scary place.

You might be a pirhana but that doesn't mean you won't get eaten.

Summer J.O.B.

So today I got a call from the professor that I interviewed with on Wed..Basically he told me that he's giving me a summer research position doing research on patterns and algorithms, I'm not going to even try to explain, but basically I'm going to be working on electrical engineering algorithms in C++.

This was the project that I expressed interest in and am actually very interested in working in and I'm surprised that the professor even chose me to work on the project. I guess maybe I partially think that it's a total fluke and that phone message that I got from the professor is a total and complete LIE.

Anyway if it does indeed turn out to be true that I am doing research during the summer, that means that I'll have $$ and possibly I will be able to convince my parents to get me a car because I would be able to start making payments on it. YAHOO! That would be awesomeness. (Then maybe I'll get a wii..or something..)

Now...if only I could get a real job for after me graduating..ugh I totally fear tomorrow and getting back my midterm, that midterm I'm sure isn't pretty...Oh well that basically means I'm going to have to perform on the midterm...super studying here I come..

School's almost over...just a little longer...

But hey I think I have a jobbbb

Tired

You ever have one of those weeks where nothing really seems to go your way?
And then you're just kind of tired of things, partially because yer sleep deprived.
And you kinda just wanna be alone, but you kinda want company too.

Yeah, I'm having one of those.


It's just one of those weeks.

All Things Past

Six years later, everything has changed.
Yet it still feels oddly familiar.
It was a could have been if things were different.
But it's a never will be.
You never had to live up to me.
You just felt like you did.
You know it never mattered to me anyway.
Things have changed.
I have become everything you wanted to be.
You are someone else entirely on your own.
I always knew it would be this way.
That's not what was important.
That's never what's important.
You could never see that.
You still can't.
What's left are memories.
I still miss your company sometimes.
All I wanted was for us to be friends.
Don't you miss being friends?

I know I do.

I guess this is what growing up is.

There are so many little things that you'll never see.
You can't expect what seems obvious to be obvious.
Not until you can dig deeper.
It's nothing, it means nothing, it goes nowhere until I can dig deeper.
And for now that's my only goal.
Because all things that should happen, will come all on their own.
I take the path of least resistance.

Life

It's funny how sometimes you learn the same lesson over and over again.
But you don't seem to ever get it through to yourself.
That's it's really about chance,
and about having something that can't really be seen.
And you shouldn't be doing it the way you've been doing it but you do it that way anyway.
You do it hopes that for once it's the right way to do it.
Because it's you, and it's how you do things.
You don't have to be the better man, because the better man doesn't always win.
Anything and everything you could ever possibly do doesn't matter.
Because it's just about chance.
It's about being at the right place at the right time.
And that's all you really want isn't it?
To be there, at the right place at the right time.
To do all the right things, at the right time.
That's all you want, and it seems easy enough, but it also seems impossible.
But every time everything is all wrong.

I just have to realize that it doesn't matter if I'm the better man.
I just have to be at the right place at the right time..and do the right things.

I just really hope..that I am.

But these things don't come easy, and I just hope that I'm not going about it all wrong.

But I can't worry so much about it, I just have to step out there and do it and not be afraid of the consequences.

And hope that when it matters it's right.

I'm tired :(. I want a rest...

Take it easy.
Take in stride.
That's how it should be done.

My Eyes Are Bleeding

Look at that fine sexay thang! Damn!

I just had sashimi and salmon teriyaki so my tummy is insanely happy because I LOVE sashimi. Nothing like some raw fish and the possibility of getting worms, delicious! Anyway aside from that school's really making me take it up the ass, between now and next Monday I think my eyes are going to bleed from homework and studying for my math midterm.

God Anthro, I hate Anthro why is there so much work for Anthro! Maybe because I don't do any of it (but god does anyone even enjoy that class?)..I'm really not looking forward to this week....:(. It's okay, at the end of the week I think after my eyes stop bleeding I'm going to reward myself with.... SASHIMI!

I truly believe God's gift to mankind is sashimi, I think fish is starting to replace all other meat as my other half....sorry meat, I'm having an affair with sashimi, sashimi is just so....irresistable...

Ugh, now I have to go back and do that thing that nobody likes to do...studying.

Win-Lose

So this weekend I went on a road trip with my dojo to LA. I never drive down there, I usually fly because I hate long car rides, but it was awesome. Tournaments are always a bonding experience for dojomates and stuffs. The car ride was hilarious down and we made so many stops and I ate Mickey D's the first time in a LONG time. My body's probably still reeling from it.

ANYWAY, when we finally got down there we played around in the hotel, I GOT MY DS BACK. And I think I left my water bottle in Helen's car... anyway and went King's Hawaiian for dinner. I was at the old people table and it was actually a lot of fun. Connor was talking about birthday cakes and how we should say it's someone's birthday. I figured that was a good idea..soo Pam suggested I do it for someone at the other table.. we did it to Henry hahaha and it was GREAT. He looked horribly confused and tried to pawn it off on Helen. But man I loved it :p.

The tournament itself.....meh I sucked but.. I won a free men! So it kinda balances out in the end.


I know it's a boring post but I wanted to document the trip :).

Heehee :p

Stolen from Jaena.

Here are the rules:

1. List as many things you wish you could say to people but can't. They can be the same person over and over again.

2. Don't say who they are. :D

3. Never discuss it again.

- You are the biggest fucking dick I've ever met in my life.

- I lied. Forgive me. You can do better.

- No, I don't like you so please stop thinking I do. Honestly.

- At first I thought you were a bitch, but I think you're totally cool now.

- I wish you'd open up more.

- Our friendship is dying, and it really hurts.

- I think you're cocky but totally trying to play it off.

- Sometimes I want to cut off our friendship.

- Sometimes you say things that offend me, but I still love you.

- You're totally biased.

- Thank you for everything you've given me. I can never give back enough.

- You're fake.

- You can do better.

- Either get out of your hole or bury yourself in it.

- I'm surprised at what's happened between us.

- I think you make too many excuses. Man up to your fucking word.

- Don't do it if you can't handle it.

- I think you're too sensitive.

- You don't deserve it.

- I wish you would push me harder.

- I think we would be awesome together.

- You can sometimes be a total douche.

- I think yer psycho.

- I think you need more confidence, believe in yourself.

- I don't completely trust you. I think yer hiding something.

- I wish you still talked to me, I wanted to stay friends.

- I still think you're a bitch and I feel absolutely no sympathy for you.

- I love you and I think you're totally awesome.

- I don't know what's going to happen when you're gone. I'm afraid.

- I forgave you. I hope you realize it, because I'm not sure you do.

- I'm glad I'm not dating you. THANK GOD.

- You're never going to get good. It's obvious because you have no desire to work hard.

I live my life without regrets.

It doesn't matter if you give it
everything and get blown away every time.

Because it shows you're not afraid of getting hurt.

Recognition.

I don't want to be just a number,
I want to be a name.

And I will do everything in my power to do this.

Medicine

Left handed suburi and eating salad hold the same place for me:

They suck, but I know I need it so I suck it up and take the medcine.

I'm getting a bit better at doing left handed suburi, this 100 a day thing is working pretty well, and...100 suburi suddenly doesn't seem that bad.

Eating salad sucks too but I figured I need more veggies so like the 100 a suburi, I've been eating salad with every meal.

I can definitely feel my body being happier because of the extra veggies, and I'm starting to understand that fishing pole motion that Matsueda sensei talks about.

Tonightttttttttt I go to kendo :)

ahhhhhhh so intriguinggggggg.
im not even sure why.

I need to do left handed suburi...and stop this weird ass jumping habit I have.

Think

Don't tell me what you think I can do.
Don't tell me what you think I'm gonna do.
Because you don't know jack.
You don't know the struggle,
the time, the dedication, the hunger.
There is an intensity that you have NEVER felt.
Because you won't allow yourself,
because you don't fucking know what it is to be human.
Because you fucking think you know when you don't.
You don't know the fucking struggle,
you don't know the pain. Don't tell me you do.
You are NOT me, you have NOT lived my life.
You think that you're the first mother fucker to do this?
You're not, and you have something else coming.
You are a dime a dozen and I have spent my WHOLE life
proving people like you wrong.
I've seen more than you think I have,
and I know how ugly this world can be.
But these experiences have made me STRONGER.
I don't back down when shit gets hard and I don't cry.
So don't you DARE tell me what you think I can or cannot do.

Because you don't know what it is to have blood flowing through your veins.

Finding it.

I've been feeling like something's missing for a while.
Something I've either lost, or can't seem to bring out of myself.
I finally figured it out. I finally have it,
exactly what it is that I'm trying to find.

That feeling, the feeling you have when you're not sure if you want to get out of bed, that dreading feeling that you have to wake up to life. But when you sleep you only dream of death. Not being murdered but everything that you ever cared about and loved, and created for yourself being completely annihilated. That everything around you has completely crumbled, the feeling that you've already died and that thread of life that you're hanging off of, the one that you have to bring yourself back to life from and it's right about to snap. Knowing this having to get up and walk, when you don't know if your legs will move you. The feeling that your eyes are open and you still can't see a damn thing. It's so easy to just let that string snap and let it go, let it die and completely let yourself fall into oblivion.

This is the feeling that you're battling, the struggle you wake up to everyday. You can't give an inch of yourself, you can't lose any ground because if you lose even a millimeter of this then it's all over. You have to grab it and never let it go. It's half determination, half desperation. But it's the only way that you're gonna get outta here alive.

And you're getting outta here alive.

This week, it's really all about pushing my buttons isn't it?

This may not end well.

I hope yer prepared.

Life is an amazing thing,
it's beautiful
if you let yourself see
how beautiful it can be.

For some it's just too easy
to fall into a hole and never walk out.

But maybe if you set out of hiding from the world,
you'll truly understand what you're missing.

Each day that you spend hiding from the world,
is a day that the world turns without you.

If you believe in yourself,
you will find that there is NOTHING you can't do.

So learn to let yourself be happy.
Life is too short to spend in tears.

You

You intrigue me.
I'd like to get to know you.
Talk to meeeeeee.

I think it would be interesting.

Day1- Sometimes you just have to suck it up. Suck it up A LOT.

goodbye life

I dread these next 4 days, u-g-h. I forgot that when you do math you pull one or two all nighters a week..when you do CS you pull..more in a row.

Goodbye 7 hrs! Good bye nap in the middle of the day!

Ugh.... my first practice in a week unless I can make it to Friday is going to be kyoka renshu :(.

I pray, that I get a friday practice...kyoka renshu as my first practice of the week is not something I look forward to.

Poooooooooo :(.

Body please don't die on me....

I need to change it, and I will.
I'll show you something
you've never seen before.
------------------------------
If you do, just do something, please.
blah

Slow

So today during archery class, we were shooting at these small targets, and while we were shooting, the ta for my group was watching everyone and said "Hm...interesting, your arrows are a lot slower than everyone else's but they still hit the target." At that point Connie and Annie started laughing and Connie remarked,"Yeah, that's the story of your life."

It really is :(. I found that comment highly amusing though. How is it even possible that my arrows are slower than everyone else's? Honestly......I have NO idea.. but they are!

In other news, somehow I ripped some of the skin connected to my toenail. I'm not exactly sure how but I'm pretty sure it was from kendo last night. It kinda burns when I walk so I think I'm gonna have to tape it since we have godo keiko tomorrow.

It's funny how if I get bruises from the bow in archery I FREAK out but I get bruises EVERYWHERE, even in that SAME area sometimes in kendo..and I just walk them off. In fact, I still have bruises that are healing from Spring Break.

Ugh my writing skills are not what they used to be! They were so good...okay people I will work on writing entertaining posts.

mimi

wo zhi dao ni yao.

dan shi wo ye zhi dao ni bu zhi dao wo yao shen me.

yao shi ni gan lai le.

wo zai deng ni...

The Other Side

As most of you don't know, or do know I'm half Cambodian and half Chinese, this basically means I'm mixed. I don't really look like either, or so I've been told. Anyway, I , like a lot of people think was raised with a bias towards one of my ethnic backgrounds. That's a lot of politics and what not that I really don't want to go into but a lot of mixed people have gone through it and know what I'm talking about. Not everyone but generally yeah. It's a touchy subject one that I don't like to go into that often, because I feel like it's not really other people's business. But..ask me and maybe I'll tell.

Anyway, as a result I'm very familiar with my Chinese side but I'm not really that familiar with my Cambodian heritage. I know bits and pieces and little things about it, but I really don't know that much. Honestly though, I want to learn, more because I think it's very interesting. I guess I feel like its very easy to pick up a book on Chinese history and it's origins, but it's really hard to find out much about Cambodians. I also after dun dun dun reading wikipedia have learned that it's actually a generally very small population of Cambodians that live in the US, most of them living in Long Beach. That explains why I was raised there :p. Anyway, to me it's just fascinating to learn these things, it's like learning you have a long lost brother or something. I guess also because the history of why there are Cambodians here is somewhat violent and ugly, like it is with most Southeast Asians. It just makes it that much more interesting.

office space.

Highly amused by office space I hope one day this will happen to me:

*enter conversation here*
Guy: First I'm gonna take you out to dinner, and then I'm gonna go back to my apartment and watch Kendo. Do you ever watch Kendo?
Me: I love Kendo.

Of course it would totally be youtube videos..cause you know basically that's all the stuff that is available basically.

Anyway, I think that guy is totally awesome. Hahaha, I <3 it.

Probably also because that WILL be my future...oy...it really will >.<.

Cubicle and bitter people who hate their jobs here I come!

Dear Mr. Knight in Shining Armor,

Hi, I'm the girl you're supposed to save. I was wondering if you could, you know come and save me right about now. It would be really nice if you came on your white horse with your unrealistically handsome looks and lovely -probablybleachedteeth- smile. I promise I won't kill the horse like I said I would.I know that you like taking your dear time but honestly, don't you think it's about time you came out from hiding? I promise I won't bite, I'm really nice, honest!

Sincerely,

The girl you're supposed to save,

Lilly

Faith

Sometimes I find it amazing how negative people can be about things and situations, I know that I can fall into this trap as well, but I always do my best to get out of it. I think that a lot of times people seem to be unable to see that in everything that we experience there is something to be taken away from it. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is always some reason behind it. Everything teaches us a lesson and it is what we make of that lesson that molds us into the people we are.

Everything, good and bad that happens to us will teach us something and sometimes the worst things that can happen to you are absolute blessings in disguise. You don't know it until it you see it from a less biased perspective. I know from my experiences that this has generally been true. It's easy to see that something gained is always a beneficial experience, but many people overlook that losses are also gains in disguise. Losses teach you the meaning of life, they teach what you've been doing wrong, they teach you how to appreciate what they have. They are essential to being able to enjoy life and live it happily.

Sometimes though, it's just too easy to get caught up in the moment. Too easy to fall into being unhappy.

I believe that life is a balance, like a scale. So when things get rough, I know that things happen for a reason and that since life is a balance, there is always something good to offset the bad.

For whoever is reading this, I hope that they think about this when they are consumed by the green eyed monster or maybe just the blues. What you're seeing is just the shell, you have no idea what other things may lie beyond your perception.

Appreciate your life for what it is, for what it is in it, who is in it and why it is the way it is. I think sometimes we overlook what we have, what we have been gifted with and fall too much into pining for what we don't have.

If you appreciate life for what it is, you might just realize that you have so much more than you ever thought you did.

Spring Break

Look! It's my future puppy! A corgi! I'm going to get me one of these when I get an apartment and some time to raise one, and it's going to LOVE ME. Ahhhh!!!! So cute! >.< hehehehe

Anyway...

I've decided to put this back off. Yey! That means I'm letting random visitors back into my life again!

I haven't written an actual entry in this thing for a while or maybe I have I don't remember. Anyway, Spring Break is almost over :(. I've done basically NOTHING, in terms of school work, ugh this weekend is going to HURT.

Anyway, I did get some practices down here in SoCal in and I feel that I learned a lot from them. It's just a shame I you know... LEFT MY CONTACTS BACK IN BERKELEY. So I while practicing kendo in my men I was as blind as a friggen bat. Not only that but they were doing some shiai geiko at Norwalk, and I had to fight bat blind style :(. It's okay I know that if I had contacts I would have done much much better. I also made some friends, at least I hope they'll remember when they see me again :).

I <3 making new friends! More people to play with! yey! This is also probably why I took candy from strangers as a child...

I'm happy :) with all the kendo things I've learned this week, the biggest one being fumikomi! I literally spent an hour with a sensei learning how to hit insync, I'm honestly very thankful for that, because I've been having that problem for the LONGEST time.

Anyway, I'm sorry for this uber boring entry. I know I normally write things that are more entertaining. Hum.....nothing interesting has happened though :(.

After this weekend, I'm basically am going to be doing kendo stuff every weekend until school gets out though. Good bye life!!! I love you all but you're never going to see me :P. That's probably kind of a lie. I will probably just stop sleeping.

To all my kendo teammates, team bonding yey!!! I want to play with you guys more :). If only I had a carrrrrr, it's okay, I don't have the time to use one anyway.

Even though I'm dedicating all my time to kendo, as it gets closer to nationals I'm getting more excited! Also feeling that there's no end to the things I need to work on...



Man I talk about kendo a lot...

Kendooo hehehehee :)

Feel it.

When I've got it,
When I'm giving it,
When it's good.

I can feel it.

I'm going to strive for that feeling.

Me

When you finally learn to live for yourself,
you find that life is much more beautiful than it ever used to be.

You also find that you are much more beautiful than you ever believed yourself to be.

There's nothing you can't do anymore, and happiness becomes something that comes from within.

I'm good enough.

And it feels amazing.

Moonlight

As I sit here, the salty wind brushes my cheeks
My feet sinking into the cold unforgiving sand
The soft crushing of the ocean waves comforts me
I look up to see the burning fire in the endless sky
I watch as the light fades into a dim glow
The sun says goodbye to a moon that it will never see
I see that the moon shines in the sky, so lonely
Waiting patiently for the sun, comforted by the stars
But the sun will never come for the moon
Always just a second too late, always as the moon disappears
A sun that can only see the beauty of day,
The laughter of children, the happiness of the life that abounds,
Never the quiet melancholy sadness of the night
When all of the world has gone to sleep
When the dreams are the only life that abounds
The sun will never see how the moon waits,
So lonely, only comforted by the stars.

i'm skeptical, prove it to me.

Pet Project

I'm going to prove that I'm right.

But when I do I'll want better.

Sometimes I wish that there was someone around that I could just fall in love with.

But we all know that love takes time and effort.

It takes opening yourself up to someone.

Sigh I wish I could just fall into it.

Someone find me and loooove meeee.

Is it something that will really never happen?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to be alone.

LOOOVE MEE

Sigh, I feel so lonely. and i have no idea why.

i give up i completely give up.

i don't give a shit if im single for the rest of my fucking life.

im tired of being wrong and im tired of getting hurt.

F*** everything. peace.

One,Two,Three.

I've taken this blog off facebook so minus those that have saved this, most people probably aren't reading this anymore.

I'll take this liberty to sound angsty.

I believe in the idea that if something means a lot to you, you keep trying until you finally get it.

But I don't believe in this idea when it comes to love. I guess I've been jaded by my past experiences, but I won't give someone more than one try. If it doesn't work the first time, I'm not going to give it another try.

Why would you keep giving someone the time of day that won't even give you the time of day? Why put yourself in a situation where the person doesn't even really give half a shit about you, and keep trying? It doesn't make sense the only thing that happens in the end is that you get hurt.

I guess I say this because I've had it happen to me and I've been jaded because it was such hell to go through. Your optimism doesn't get you anywhere.

In the end you're left to pick up the pieces after you've been completely desolated.

I hate seeing others do this to themselves, I hate seeing it in general cause it reminds me of what I had to go through.

Nobody is worth that kind of time, and nobody is worth that kind of pain.

There are ALWAYS other fish in the sea.

And they are always better.

Fear

The only thing that is holding me back,

is my own fear of the unknown.

Perhaps I am too comfortable,

living in a world dictated only by my actions.

Sometimes, I really wonder...

but eh.

it only stops where you stop

Too passive, I need it to be more aggressive.

Keep Going

Do it harder,
make it more intense,
push yourself to the limit,
gotta get better.

Gotta work harder.

I will get there.

Obesity

For the first time in a LONG time, I felt incredibly....out of shape. I would call it obese. Most unpleasant feeling ever.

At one point during practice, I told myself that I would throw away EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF JUNK FOOD, that I own, and eat nothing but healthy food. Fruits, Veggies, lean meats, seafood. NOTHING BUT HEALTHY FOOD. I also promised myself to never stop exercising ever again. I think that I won't keep that promise, but my god getting tired during suburi and footwork? Sad...so sad...

Practice was interesting, and I made a new friend :).

Yey! Kendo improvement! I love Kendo improvement! The more people different kinds of people and styles I can practice before nationals, the better. It means my kendo grows even more. Yey!

I definitely appreciate that i live in socal just because it gives me a little bit of different perspective on kendo, or more people's kendo styles than just nckf.

Too bad blood blister :( why? pain!

IT'S OKAY HEAL LITTLE ONE HEAL!

P.S. Never cutting excessive amounts of skin off my foot again. NEVER. always blisters ALWAYS.